but life has been going absolutely wild lately.
My 16 yr old has to have her tonsils & adenoids out in 2 weeks.
I have to have some bone hunked out of my neck vertabrae--whenever they tell me.
My son is going thru a shit-ton of testing for ADD, aspergers & whatever the hell else alphabet soup they can come up with. We have an average of 3 dr/shrink appts each week. I can't keep up & the gas money is killing me.
Still seeing Roger & Sue, at least once a week, sometimes more. Sue is showing signs of jealousy & I'm soooo not cool with that. I'd prefer to have alone time with them both, to be able to develop physical AND mental connections--instead of always a THREESOME. (which is a lot of pressure at times). So--when I mentioned this, she immediately assumes that I want time alone with Roger & not her---well YES, but I want time alone with HER too.
I'm turned off by jealousy & greedy behavior. I want a balance. I'm tired of every Saturday night is a drunken threesome. We need some variety & some different things brought in. Not just props, but different experiences & dabbling.
I've also been talking to Jack alot. Been having some web-cam action & enjoying the hell out of his orders. He's trying to come up with the money for me to come see him this weekend. (I'm broke--forever & a day). Soooo...I think I'm going to. I do love him, we just can't live together ever again. I love our physical connection, but also, we've been playing a lot of Daddy/little girl play. I put my hair in pig-tails, put on some little girl jammies & took some naughty pics of me & my teddy bear. Then he talked me through some orgasms on the webcam. Totallyyyy freakin HOT. He doesn't have a cam, but I could hear his voice---telling me what to do, how much of a good girl I was being---*swoooon*.
There will be a major conflict when I tell Roger & Sue tomorrow that I'm going to see Jack this weekend. Sue believes that I'll dump them for him--nooooo. This is supposed to be an OPEN POLY RELATIONSHIP--and I don't plan on being nailed down to just seeing them. I'm not going to be monogamous with anyone at this point. I'm playing around with people I LOVE, not just out whoring & picking up random people. I do love Roger & Sue, but I still love Jack too. Hell, if my house was clean enough, I'd take on another lover than lives 25 minutes away. He had such a great cock & was all about 'no strings attached'. But--he was kind of an odd duck. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm betting there will be a fight w/ Roger & Sue though. Oh well!
The other day, my pain level got so high & I started having a total manic/panic attack. It lasted for hours it seemed. I'm still right on the edge of breaking down just thinking about it. Everything in my life falling apart and I can't get anything in control. Just felt like a tornado was in my house & the voices in my head were SOOOO LOUDDDD. I talked to a couple people on the phone & messaged with Sue & Roger & Jack too. They've all been there, but I think I scared them because they've never seen me fall apart like this.
My daughter saw me going downhill at 4 when I picked her up from school. She swooped in & took care of my son, made sure there was dinner & was absolutely awesome. I'm so proud of her but I hate that I have to have a damn breakdown for her to understand I could use some help--all the TIME, not just when I fall apart. What a great kid though--she was supportive & caring & I knew I could count on her to take care of herself & my son. He's 10==so it wasn't like I was dumping a newborn on her & flaking out. They can pretty much take care of themselves--I am very grateful that she understood what I was going thru & pitched in. I hate that MANIC state where I just can't stop bawling & shaking & not able to breathe. Ugh, probably need new anti-depressants soon.
Other than that?? My car is screwing up, my laptop cord went to hell (60 bucks for a replacement--my friend bought it for me THANK THE GODS! & bless her heart!), and I'm still battling state insurance for coverage for my pain patches. I have to appeal it every 3 months & then I go without the medicine for 3 weeks until I can get all the paperwork through. IT'S THE SAME PAPERWORK EVERY TIME. Sooo annoying and hella painful because I need that med just to FUNCTION DAILY. It's all about rules & how they can 'save money' if I'd switch to oxycontin or some other cheap morphine crap. Bottom dollar and all that.
Ok, I know, rambling like crazy, I'm off to play on facebook--I'm addicted to the Castle Age & Vampire Wars games...oh my GODS, they amuse me & waste plenty of time!
Ta ta!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Nirvana
My lovers stayed over Friday & Saturday night. I'm getting so attached that I'm afraid. My heart glows when I know they are coming over. I'm squishy in love & yet, a nervous wreck at the same time.
My little house was full--4 adults, 3 kids full-time plus a neighbor kid & a friend from school for about 4 hours each day. Holy hell, the noise level. And the dishes. And the cooking. And the clutter. But it was fun!
Ohhhh & I got a punishment spanking around 4 Sunday morning. (Well, kind-of--because it's hard to keep it as a punishment in my head when I like it. But there is that mindfuck that I've messed up & need to repent.) I told Roger I was going to go put on my jammies & he said I had to dress in front of him. I brushed my teeth & came out of the bathroom with only a t-shirt on, walked across the room to my dresser to grab panties & jammie pants. He came up behind me when I was looking in the dresser, pulled my t-shirt off, placed his hand around my throat & had me look in the mirror. Whoa. He's whispering in my ear--Did I tell you that you could put on a t-shirt? while he pressed his body up against mine. I'm not struggling for breath, but it's not real easy to talk--so I just shake my head 'no' slightly. He grabbed my left nipple & pulled it so hard I got tears in my eyes--& felt my pussy twitch & start to get wet. Oh my gods, he can do things just with his voice that makes my body respond. But the play-choking & nipple torture is really nice too.
Sue leans in to take my other nipple in her mouth and I lean back into Roger to enjoy the sensation. He's still talking lowly into my ear, one hand still on my throat & the other roaming my body-- forcing me to look in the mirror while he describes my body. Sue's hand slaps my thighs & tells me to open my legs. My brain is racing with endorphins & Roger grasps tighter around my neck. She starts slapping my cunt--first three strokes were easy & then a sharp sting...three more easy taps & then another hard strike. I moan at the sharp slap & she jams two fingers inside me. The only reason I'm still able to stand up is because Roger is supporting me--my knees feel like jelly. She pulls out her fingers & shoves them in my mouth. Roger releases my throat & tells me I'm such a dirty little cunt for tasting myself. And bad little girls don't get orgasms when they don't obey. Daddy doesn't like it when his little girl can't behave. (fucking SWOON baby, I'm FLYING and moaning.) Sue shoves her fingers back inside me hard & fast...teasing my g-spot with precision. She pulls out & rubs my wetness all over my labia--I swear it feels like it's running down my leg. Roger's hand goes around my throat again while Sue rubs her fingers across my mouth. I start to suck on her fingers & she grabs the back of my hair hard, pulls me to look in her eyes while SHE sucks my wetness off of her fingers. A gutteral moan escaped & Roger bites my shoulder & neck while Sue kisses me. Her other hand starts tapping against my labia, swift sharp slaps while I groan into her mouth. I can no longer tell whose hand is where, I just know that this is nirvana.
Roger guides us to the bed, he has my hair entertwined in his fingers. He pulls me down to my knees & I start to reach for his zipper. Sue grabs my wrists & pulls them behind my back--my head tipped backward from my hair being pulled. She ravages my mouth with her tongue & Roger starts slapping my tits again. When I don't moan for a few seconds, he grabs both nipples & pulls me to his lap. Ohmyfreakingawd, I love to lay across (or sit in) his lap. With my ass in the air, Roger started spanking me swift, sharp & loud--his hand on the back of my neck holding my hair taut,my head shoved to the mattress. I'm trying not to drool because I'm so turned on. In between slaps, I feel Sue's hand rub across my red, stinging cheeks. I moan Thank You to her for soothing me & then I feel her hand slap right in the sweet spot where my thighs meet my cheeks. Roger & Sue alternate spanks while they tell me what a naughty sub I am, how I need to pay attention to Master's orders better, how I was their little girl to do with as they pleased. I start to really squirm because I'm not sure how much more I can take. Tears are brimming my eyes & I sniffle as I struggle to be still. The spanks keep coming hard with an occasional rub randomly thrown in. When they rub the sore spots, I try to say "Thank you" but it comes out as a sob. Fingers swiftly enter my cunt & start grinding against my g-spot again. I can tell it's Sue's fingers inside me--she has a gentler touch entering me but then strokes me hard once she has her fingers in deep. Roger is rubbing my blood red cheeks telling me that I'm a good girl for taking the spanking so well. Daddy loves his little girl so much. (swoon again!) I try to lift my head to tell him I love him too & he says "Put your head back down, you little bitch. I didn't tell you to move." Tears start rolling again & Sue pulls her fingers out to rub against my clit. I can't help but tilt towards her fingers.
I'm climbing higher & closer with each swirl of motion across my clit. Roger has taken his hand out of my hair & is tweaking my nipple so hard I think he's going to pull it off. I feel transcendental, like if I close my eyes I could watch this from the ceiling corner. My body flexes to rigid state as I hit the top peak of my orgasm. One of them shoves their fingers against my g-spot & the floodgates open up. I felt warm liquid pulse out of me as I gasp, moaning 'oh fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck' over & over. When I finally stop quivering from the intensity, four hands are rubbing all over me. THIS is nirvana.
Roger tosses me to the middle of the bed, Sue grabs a towel. We snuggle into our usual spots and I sleep like a dream. The last thing I remember them talking about is how I have to please them in the morning. And so it goes...
Have I said how much I love my life right now?
My little house was full--4 adults, 3 kids full-time plus a neighbor kid & a friend from school for about 4 hours each day. Holy hell, the noise level. And the dishes. And the cooking. And the clutter. But it was fun!
Ohhhh & I got a punishment spanking around 4 Sunday morning. (Well, kind-of--because it's hard to keep it as a punishment in my head when I like it. But there is that mindfuck that I've messed up & need to repent.) I told Roger I was going to go put on my jammies & he said I had to dress in front of him. I brushed my teeth & came out of the bathroom with only a t-shirt on, walked across the room to my dresser to grab panties & jammie pants. He came up behind me when I was looking in the dresser, pulled my t-shirt off, placed his hand around my throat & had me look in the mirror. Whoa. He's whispering in my ear--Did I tell you that you could put on a t-shirt? while he pressed his body up against mine. I'm not struggling for breath, but it's not real easy to talk--so I just shake my head 'no' slightly. He grabbed my left nipple & pulled it so hard I got tears in my eyes--& felt my pussy twitch & start to get wet. Oh my gods, he can do things just with his voice that makes my body respond. But the play-choking & nipple torture is really nice too.
Sue leans in to take my other nipple in her mouth and I lean back into Roger to enjoy the sensation. He's still talking lowly into my ear, one hand still on my throat & the other roaming my body-- forcing me to look in the mirror while he describes my body. Sue's hand slaps my thighs & tells me to open my legs. My brain is racing with endorphins & Roger grasps tighter around my neck. She starts slapping my cunt--first three strokes were easy & then a sharp sting...three more easy taps & then another hard strike. I moan at the sharp slap & she jams two fingers inside me. The only reason I'm still able to stand up is because Roger is supporting me--my knees feel like jelly. She pulls out her fingers & shoves them in my mouth. Roger releases my throat & tells me I'm such a dirty little cunt for tasting myself. And bad little girls don't get orgasms when they don't obey. Daddy doesn't like it when his little girl can't behave. (fucking SWOON baby, I'm FLYING and moaning.) Sue shoves her fingers back inside me hard & fast...teasing my g-spot with precision. She pulls out & rubs my wetness all over my labia--I swear it feels like it's running down my leg. Roger's hand goes around my throat again while Sue rubs her fingers across my mouth. I start to suck on her fingers & she grabs the back of my hair hard, pulls me to look in her eyes while SHE sucks my wetness off of her fingers. A gutteral moan escaped & Roger bites my shoulder & neck while Sue kisses me. Her other hand starts tapping against my labia, swift sharp slaps while I groan into her mouth. I can no longer tell whose hand is where, I just know that this is nirvana.
Roger guides us to the bed, he has my hair entertwined in his fingers. He pulls me down to my knees & I start to reach for his zipper. Sue grabs my wrists & pulls them behind my back--my head tipped backward from my hair being pulled. She ravages my mouth with her tongue & Roger starts slapping my tits again. When I don't moan for a few seconds, he grabs both nipples & pulls me to his lap. Ohmyfreakingawd, I love to lay across (or sit in) his lap. With my ass in the air, Roger started spanking me swift, sharp & loud--his hand on the back of my neck holding my hair taut,my head shoved to the mattress. I'm trying not to drool because I'm so turned on. In between slaps, I feel Sue's hand rub across my red, stinging cheeks. I moan Thank You to her for soothing me & then I feel her hand slap right in the sweet spot where my thighs meet my cheeks. Roger & Sue alternate spanks while they tell me what a naughty sub I am, how I need to pay attention to Master's orders better, how I was their little girl to do with as they pleased. I start to really squirm because I'm not sure how much more I can take. Tears are brimming my eyes & I sniffle as I struggle to be still. The spanks keep coming hard with an occasional rub randomly thrown in. When they rub the sore spots, I try to say "Thank you" but it comes out as a sob. Fingers swiftly enter my cunt & start grinding against my g-spot again. I can tell it's Sue's fingers inside me--she has a gentler touch entering me but then strokes me hard once she has her fingers in deep. Roger is rubbing my blood red cheeks telling me that I'm a good girl for taking the spanking so well. Daddy loves his little girl so much. (swoon again!) I try to lift my head to tell him I love him too & he says "Put your head back down, you little bitch. I didn't tell you to move." Tears start rolling again & Sue pulls her fingers out to rub against my clit. I can't help but tilt towards her fingers.
I'm climbing higher & closer with each swirl of motion across my clit. Roger has taken his hand out of my hair & is tweaking my nipple so hard I think he's going to pull it off. I feel transcendental, like if I close my eyes I could watch this from the ceiling corner. My body flexes to rigid state as I hit the top peak of my orgasm. One of them shoves their fingers against my g-spot & the floodgates open up. I felt warm liquid pulse out of me as I gasp, moaning 'oh fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck' over & over. When I finally stop quivering from the intensity, four hands are rubbing all over me. THIS is nirvana.
Roger tosses me to the middle of the bed, Sue grabs a towel. We snuggle into our usual spots and I sleep like a dream. The last thing I remember them talking about is how I have to please them in the morning. And so it goes...
Have I said how much I love my life right now?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Genetically fucked
This week has been insane. Four appointments & after-school junk & my pain level has been out of this world. I've had to force myself to get my ass outta bed. The house looks like nasty hobos live here & I need to fumigate.
Took son to his new shrink, trying to figure out what is going on with his attention span, failing grades & just spacey behavior. All his life, I've just said "he's quirky" and we've catered to his behaviors. We used to call him Eeyor because he was just so laid back & whatever about stuff. He's a totally sensitive, loving, great kid--but sometimes tells lies--and not even good ones. The shrink called me in & had my son tell me what they talked about. My 10 yr old sat beside me & told me how he's planned on committing suicide since 3rd grade. I absolutely did NOT see that coming. I'm trying to not lose it & sob & my BABY COMFORTS ME. Oh my god. We talked about it with the doc & he now has a safety plan for when these feelings hit him. And off we go to the shrink weekly--30 minutes away. I am so thankful for Medicaid--but it is a total bitch to get things covered & approved.
So thus far--the doc thinks he has Asperger's Syndrome along with ADD (no hyper) and depression. I knew the depression thing--as it's a total family trait. Both my parents, me, my 16 yr old & who knows what on their dad's side--they are odd ducks. I feel that I have genetically screwed up my kids for life. Would it have stopped me from having kids? Nahhh, I just wish I knew about all the family history & acted upon therapy YEARS ago.
I'm unsettled about it all. I don't understand enough about Aspie's & ADD yet. What I've read so far online--I'm flabbergasted that he has SO MANY of these traits and I didn't do/think/figure it out before 5th grade. My 16 yr old has been on depression meds since she was 14 and--she's a cutter. (as was I--now I compensate differently though). I'm unnerved that three depressed people should live in the same house. Holy shit, that's fucking overwhelming. There isn't much sanity in the house and I'M THE MOMMY. Fuck.
And with other great news, I went to the pain doc yesterday to talk about surgery. I have a huge ass knot right where a bra would go (if I wore one lol). He kept flicking it with his fingers to see how hard I would flinch. Fucker! He hemmed & hawed when I asked direct questions about fibro & all the other spinal issues I have--until he just said "He doesn't believe that fibro is a correct diagnosis. He believes there is SOMETHING wrong & dr's can't explain it--so they slap the Fibro name on it." Hmmm okayyyy. BUT--he is very understanding & comforting & acknowledges that I AM in PAIN. He totally said "Sometimes we JUST.DON'T.KNOW what is wrong, but I will do what I can to fix it." I dig this guy, truly. I've been thru some jackass docs in the last 20 years and this one ADMITS he's HUMAN.
Sooooo...the knot in my bra line is either a fracture or a tumor. But don't worry--either way, we'll stick a 2 foot needle in there & root around. And it may take three weeks to get Medicaid to approve x-rays & a new MRI. (Did I get new pain meds? NOPE--I'm just fucking dealing with it and wise-cracking to my friends that I may-or-may-not have a goddamn tumor on my spine.)
And--after THAT is taken care of--I'm going to have a stimulator put in my spinal cord. It VIBRATES away PAIN. I'm all for it--because hey--I like vibrating things. lol. I'm also pretty excited that this implant will set off airport security, shoplifting sensors and I can't ever have another MRI--because the wires will be like cooking aluminum foil in a microwave. YAY ME!! They give me an ID card showing that I will set off this stuff--so I told my g/f that I'm going to start shoplifting & then getting pissy that they are discriminating against me because of the implant in my body. (not really)
Here's another thing I'm pretty worried about--who the hell is going to deal with taking care of me in recovery? I'm a single mom with 2 kids--my mom is my only family (i have a sister--but she's a pain in the ass). How the hell am I going to get thru this? AND NOT HAVE SEX? DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. Who's gonna feed them hogs? (obscure country song reference--but I totally get it!)
The other thing about the stimulator is--I'm going to have this fifty-cent piece plastic thing under my skin. It had by-god-better not be on my rump. I'm not giving up spankings. The humanity! Oh & the big-ass splotchy burn on my back from my heating pad? I have permanently TATTOOED myself--it will never go away. It looks gross as hell, but I'm all ready cock-eyed, what's another thing? I stopped using the heating pad back in July--it's STILL red as apples. I am an idiot!
Ok, I'm going to do the dishes, Roger & Sue are coming over later. Wooohooo lovin's! They give me such comfort--emotionally and physically. It's weird to be in love with a married couple. I go from feeling all squishy in love to--omg--if my other friends' or family knew--they'd have me committed. That's something that really bothers Roger--because he wants to tell everyone. And I'll always be in the closet about being poly & bi--if I continue to live here. Maybe in a different lifetime? Or when my kids are over 18? Maybe.
Took son to his new shrink, trying to figure out what is going on with his attention span, failing grades & just spacey behavior. All his life, I've just said "he's quirky" and we've catered to his behaviors. We used to call him Eeyor because he was just so laid back & whatever about stuff. He's a totally sensitive, loving, great kid--but sometimes tells lies--and not even good ones. The shrink called me in & had my son tell me what they talked about. My 10 yr old sat beside me & told me how he's planned on committing suicide since 3rd grade. I absolutely did NOT see that coming. I'm trying to not lose it & sob & my BABY COMFORTS ME. Oh my god. We talked about it with the doc & he now has a safety plan for when these feelings hit him. And off we go to the shrink weekly--30 minutes away. I am so thankful for Medicaid--but it is a total bitch to get things covered & approved.
So thus far--the doc thinks he has Asperger's Syndrome along with ADD (no hyper) and depression. I knew the depression thing--as it's a total family trait. Both my parents, me, my 16 yr old & who knows what on their dad's side--they are odd ducks. I feel that I have genetically screwed up my kids for life. Would it have stopped me from having kids? Nahhh, I just wish I knew about all the family history & acted upon therapy YEARS ago.
I'm unsettled about it all. I don't understand enough about Aspie's & ADD yet. What I've read so far online--I'm flabbergasted that he has SO MANY of these traits and I didn't do/think/figure it out before 5th grade. My 16 yr old has been on depression meds since she was 14 and--she's a cutter. (as was I--now I compensate differently though). I'm unnerved that three depressed people should live in the same house. Holy shit, that's fucking overwhelming. There isn't much sanity in the house and I'M THE MOMMY. Fuck.
And with other great news, I went to the pain doc yesterday to talk about surgery. I have a huge ass knot right where a bra would go (if I wore one lol). He kept flicking it with his fingers to see how hard I would flinch. Fucker! He hemmed & hawed when I asked direct questions about fibro & all the other spinal issues I have--until he just said "He doesn't believe that fibro is a correct diagnosis. He believes there is SOMETHING wrong & dr's can't explain it--so they slap the Fibro name on it." Hmmm okayyyy. BUT--he is very understanding & comforting & acknowledges that I AM in PAIN. He totally said "Sometimes we JUST.DON'T.KNOW what is wrong, but I will do what I can to fix it." I dig this guy, truly. I've been thru some jackass docs in the last 20 years and this one ADMITS he's HUMAN.
Sooooo...the knot in my bra line is either a fracture or a tumor. But don't worry--either way, we'll stick a 2 foot needle in there & root around. And it may take three weeks to get Medicaid to approve x-rays & a new MRI. (Did I get new pain meds? NOPE--I'm just fucking dealing with it and wise-cracking to my friends that I may-or-may-not have a goddamn tumor on my spine.)
And--after THAT is taken care of--I'm going to have a stimulator put in my spinal cord. It VIBRATES away PAIN. I'm all for it--because hey--I like vibrating things. lol. I'm also pretty excited that this implant will set off airport security, shoplifting sensors and I can't ever have another MRI--because the wires will be like cooking aluminum foil in a microwave. YAY ME!! They give me an ID card showing that I will set off this stuff--so I told my g/f that I'm going to start shoplifting & then getting pissy that they are discriminating against me because of the implant in my body. (not really)
Here's another thing I'm pretty worried about--who the hell is going to deal with taking care of me in recovery? I'm a single mom with 2 kids--my mom is my only family (i have a sister--but she's a pain in the ass). How the hell am I going to get thru this? AND NOT HAVE SEX? DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. Who's gonna feed them hogs? (obscure country song reference--but I totally get it!)
The other thing about the stimulator is--I'm going to have this fifty-cent piece plastic thing under my skin. It had by-god-better not be on my rump. I'm not giving up spankings. The humanity! Oh & the big-ass splotchy burn on my back from my heating pad? I have permanently TATTOOED myself--it will never go away. It looks gross as hell, but I'm all ready cock-eyed, what's another thing? I stopped using the heating pad back in July--it's STILL red as apples. I am an idiot!
Ok, I'm going to do the dishes, Roger & Sue are coming over later. Wooohooo lovin's! They give me such comfort--emotionally and physically. It's weird to be in love with a married couple. I go from feeling all squishy in love to--omg--if my other friends' or family knew--they'd have me committed. That's something that really bothers Roger--because he wants to tell everyone. And I'll always be in the closet about being poly & bi--if I continue to live here. Maybe in a different lifetime? Or when my kids are over 18? Maybe.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
My first lapdances....
I've been to strip clubs before. My first one was in an Army-base town & my friend was a pregnant stripper. (classy) I was 20 and trying not to let anyone see me look at the girls. I battled with being attracted to girls a LOT. It was 1991, I was from a small redneck town where gay-bashing jokes were rampant & scary. There was no way I could tell anyone that I liked boys AND girls. And wanted to devour them all.
(sidenote: my ex-husband proposed to me in an alley outside a strip club. High class.)
Even in jr high, I remember changing clothes in the locker room & the girl beside me had incredible tits. My mouth watered as I forced myself to look the other way...but all I wanted to do was lean over and put her perfect, rigid nipple in my mouth. I was out-of-my-mind afraid that people could read my thoughts, so I always kept my eyes downcast as much as possible in school.
Jr high & high school was a very confusing time for me, all those hormones racing & I could not figure out if I liked boys or girls. I went along with the mainstream crowd & 'dated' boys. Always the 'bad boys' too, if they had a rugged exterior, caused trouble or had a bad reputation. Hell, I grew up & still live in John Mellencamp & James Dean country. Bad boys liked wild girls.
Anyway, back to the 'attracted to girls' thing. I pushed that down for years, didn't explore it until I was 19. I fell in love with a girl & we were both terrified of our feelings. Kissing her was like biting into juicy peaches...oh my god, I still fantasize about her kisses. We were both totally inept at the girl-on-girl thing....and we laughed and learned and explored. It's a hella lot easier sneaking girly sex with the ruse of sleepovers than it is trying to get it on with your boyfriend when you still live with your parents.
And then one day...it all just fell apart. No more sleepovers, no more phone calls...just stopped. I ran into her at a drugstore buying a pregnancy test. She totally avoided eye contact. Awkward as hell, I wished her the best & walked out. I've not been 'in love' with a girl since--until now. I'm more terrified of loving a girl than I am a guy--I don't have a clue why. It just wounded me to the core.
Hell, this all started as a story about going to the strip club and now I'm all trying to figure out my girl attraction.
Roger, Sue & I went to a little dive with $50. Dollar lapdances bayyybeee! I loved staring at the men getting hard with booty in their face. (I do so love watching cocks harden.) I'm not wild about touching strangers--but Roger pulled the "dom card" and I melted into a puddle. He leaned over, yanked my hair hard, shoved bills in my hand & said "DO IT." I'm a wuss, I admit it. lol.
I damn near had to sit on my hands--I wanted to fondle her perky tits & nibble on her perfect ass. Gyrating her ass in my face, Sue made eye contact with me & I pretended to take a bite. The bouncer sees this & hollers "BITE HER" and I accidentally touched her leg & she flinched. I was MORTIFIED. I'd broken the cardinal rule of the strip club--they can touch YOU, but you can't touch THEM. I turned 4 shades of red and kept saying "I'm sooooo sorry!" She laughed it off while the bar laughed at ME! lol.
Sue & I were the only non-stripper/non-bartender girls there. Roger is pointing out who is checking us out. I told him he had a god complex because he was the only guy there who was definitely going to get laid that night AND with two women. We went home with $10, hot, horny & had crazy threesome sex. Ahhh, I love my life.
(sidenote: my ex-husband proposed to me in an alley outside a strip club. High class.)
Even in jr high, I remember changing clothes in the locker room & the girl beside me had incredible tits. My mouth watered as I forced myself to look the other way...but all I wanted to do was lean over and put her perfect, rigid nipple in my mouth. I was out-of-my-mind afraid that people could read my thoughts, so I always kept my eyes downcast as much as possible in school.
Jr high & high school was a very confusing time for me, all those hormones racing & I could not figure out if I liked boys or girls. I went along with the mainstream crowd & 'dated' boys. Always the 'bad boys' too, if they had a rugged exterior, caused trouble or had a bad reputation. Hell, I grew up & still live in John Mellencamp & James Dean country. Bad boys liked wild girls.
Anyway, back to the 'attracted to girls' thing. I pushed that down for years, didn't explore it until I was 19. I fell in love with a girl & we were both terrified of our feelings. Kissing her was like biting into juicy peaches...oh my god, I still fantasize about her kisses. We were both totally inept at the girl-on-girl thing....and we laughed and learned and explored. It's a hella lot easier sneaking girly sex with the ruse of sleepovers than it is trying to get it on with your boyfriend when you still live with your parents.
And then one day...it all just fell apart. No more sleepovers, no more phone calls...just stopped. I ran into her at a drugstore buying a pregnancy test. She totally avoided eye contact. Awkward as hell, I wished her the best & walked out. I've not been 'in love' with a girl since--until now. I'm more terrified of loving a girl than I am a guy--I don't have a clue why. It just wounded me to the core.
Hell, this all started as a story about going to the strip club and now I'm all trying to figure out my girl attraction.
Roger, Sue & I went to a little dive with $50. Dollar lapdances bayyybeee! I loved staring at the men getting hard with booty in their face. (I do so love watching cocks harden.) I'm not wild about touching strangers--but Roger pulled the "dom card" and I melted into a puddle. He leaned over, yanked my hair hard, shoved bills in my hand & said "DO IT." I'm a wuss, I admit it. lol.
I damn near had to sit on my hands--I wanted to fondle her perky tits & nibble on her perfect ass. Gyrating her ass in my face, Sue made eye contact with me & I pretended to take a bite. The bouncer sees this & hollers "BITE HER" and I accidentally touched her leg & she flinched. I was MORTIFIED. I'd broken the cardinal rule of the strip club--they can touch YOU, but you can't touch THEM. I turned 4 shades of red and kept saying "I'm sooooo sorry!" She laughed it off while the bar laughed at ME! lol.
Sue & I were the only non-stripper/non-bartender girls there. Roger is pointing out who is checking us out. I told him he had a god complex because he was the only guy there who was definitely going to get laid that night AND with two women. We went home with $10, hot, horny & had crazy threesome sex. Ahhh, I love my life.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Educate me, please...
I took my 16 year old daughter to Planned Parenthood today. She threatened to walk in the office & ask for a coat hanger. I lost it & spewed my energy drink down my shirt. Sick & twisted runs in our family--we can't help it. (She'd seen the coat hanger joke online somewhere & stored it in her brain for *this* exact moment. I love that sick kid of mine.)
We're surrounded by college girls in the waiting room. I felt out of place being the only mom there...but I hoped to score some cheap condoms too. (They always have a great assortment of colored ones--nothing like a blue condom to make you giggle during sex.) We went through all of the brochures & attempted to educate ourselves. Plus--there was a great tutorial on "How to Use A Condom"--we took three.
Daughter had to fill out a sex history form and I was totally stumped by a couple of the questions.
"Do you have problems remembering to wear your seatbelt?" I can only guess that's a sign that you're too dingy to be on a birth control pill & actually take it daily. (I was in that category..umm..once or thirteen times.)
The second stumper was "Check all the types of sex you have had.
__Vaginal __Oral __Anal __Other_______"
Other? Daughter leaned over & asked what "other" might be. I started humming the Veggie Tales theme song & we giggled like maniacs. The lyrics in my head were "If you'd like to fuck with tomatoes, If you'd like to insert potatoes, If a squash can make you smile...Have we got a zucchini for you!" (yeah, I'm not lyrically talented--whatever, this IS my brain & I'm seriously not on enough drugs.)
I really couldn't come up with an answer. Do you really want to write in "finger-banging" or "tit-fucking" there? Is that truly necessary to divulge? Do you think this includes dildos, vibrators & masturbation? I want to know what some people have opted to 'write in'. I'm curious as hell! I'd love to fill one out myself and write in "Once, at church camp..." (Who am I kidding--I've only been to Vacation Bible School?)
The other question was "Have you had inappropriate sex?"
Inappropriate HOW? Are we talking illegal & immoral? Ye GODS--I'm not sure I want to know what they would consider 'inappropriate.' Much of my sex life was inappropriate..and still is--but that's how I LIKE it.
My daughter tapped her pen beside this question and I shrugged my shoulders & whispered "Moooooooo" in her ear. She snorted her laugh so hard--she sounded just like a pig & I just said "EXACTLY--please don't fill that one out honey, I really don't want that recorded in your medical file for all eternity."
We were getting glares from the preppy college girls. I can only guess they were trying to concentrate on filling out their Plan B or syphillis form. Sluts. heehee.
Thank gods for Planned Parenthood though...they saved my ass for several years.
I'm so snitching all the blue condoms out of my daughter's loot bag & trading her with the clear ones. When are they going to start putting Ed Hardy tattoo images on condoms? Wouldn't that be bad ass???
We're surrounded by college girls in the waiting room. I felt out of place being the only mom there...but I hoped to score some cheap condoms too. (They always have a great assortment of colored ones--nothing like a blue condom to make you giggle during sex.) We went through all of the brochures & attempted to educate ourselves. Plus--there was a great tutorial on "How to Use A Condom"--we took three.
Daughter had to fill out a sex history form and I was totally stumped by a couple of the questions.
"Do you have problems remembering to wear your seatbelt?" I can only guess that's a sign that you're too dingy to be on a birth control pill & actually take it daily. (I was in that category..umm..once or thirteen times.)
The second stumper was "Check all the types of sex you have had.
__Vaginal __Oral __Anal __Other_______"
Other? Daughter leaned over & asked what "other" might be. I started humming the Veggie Tales theme song & we giggled like maniacs. The lyrics in my head were "If you'd like to fuck with tomatoes, If you'd like to insert potatoes, If a squash can make you smile...Have we got a zucchini for you!" (yeah, I'm not lyrically talented--whatever, this IS my brain & I'm seriously not on enough drugs.)
I really couldn't come up with an answer. Do you really want to write in "finger-banging" or "tit-fucking" there? Is that truly necessary to divulge? Do you think this includes dildos, vibrators & masturbation? I want to know what some people have opted to 'write in'. I'm curious as hell! I'd love to fill one out myself and write in "Once, at church camp..." (Who am I kidding--I've only been to Vacation Bible School?)
The other question was "Have you had inappropriate sex?"
Inappropriate HOW? Are we talking illegal & immoral? Ye GODS--I'm not sure I want to know what they would consider 'inappropriate.' Much of my sex life was inappropriate..and still is--but that's how I LIKE it.
My daughter tapped her pen beside this question and I shrugged my shoulders & whispered "Moooooooo" in her ear. She snorted her laugh so hard--she sounded just like a pig & I just said "EXACTLY--please don't fill that one out honey, I really don't want that recorded in your medical file for all eternity."
We were getting glares from the preppy college girls. I can only guess they were trying to concentrate on filling out their Plan B or syphillis form. Sluts. heehee.
Thank gods for Planned Parenthood though...they saved my ass for several years.
I'm so snitching all the blue condoms out of my daughter's loot bag & trading her with the clear ones. When are they going to start putting Ed Hardy tattoo images on condoms? Wouldn't that be bad ass???
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So...I'm a unicorn.
And Roger & Sue are taking me shopping next weekend for a new collar. Surreal, happy, content. Nearly a year ago, Jack & I were looking for our own unicorn to play with. I love how life changes.
This is the first time in my life--that I've had friends, that I can say ANYTHING to. I don't have to hedge my comments or hold back my thoughts or censor my fantasies. It is fucking EXHILARATING. I love hanging out with them & talking all night. I love sleeping in between them & holding Sue's hand while Roger snuggles & spoons me. And the sex is a whole bunch of awesome.
In every relationship I've ever been in--I've held back or tried to be/act/say what I thought the other person wanted me to be. Yes, it was insane...but I've had this underlying need to be 'approved of.' The struggle of pretending to be someone I wasn't for most of my life is over. I can tell them anything & they love me *anyway*.
Except for the part where I can't 'come out' to my family or 'normal' friends as being a bisexual-owned-submissive in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. Ok--I'll never be able to divulge that to most of the people in my everyday life. I live in a small, backward, redneck-ish town & I never want my kids to have to deal with idiots judging them--because of me.
I'm totally not making much sense, I only slept for 4 hours in between them Saturday night...and that was after having 5 shots of Crown. Then last night I had 4 shots & slept for 6 hours--before son woke me up at 6:30 a.m. wanting me to put the head back on his action figure. WTF--do you see me sleeping?
Also Saturday, Roger & Sue drove 3 hours each way to pick up a girl they've been talking to online. I told Roger he is just wanting to feel like a god with three women in his bed. Greedy! The girl was fun, intelligent & cute. She's 13 years younger than me...so that is a bit strange. I prefer to date people who remember the 80's. lol. She slept in the spare bedroom & claimed a headache...after saying she could drink us all under the table. Ha! Maybe me--because I am a lightweight with drinking nowadays. But Sue? I've seen her drink a half a gallon of vodka & not even slur. There were a couple of times the 'new girl' contradicted herself into a corner with her own lies; I'm glad she lives far away. Not from jealousy, I get a vibe that she can create a ton of drama. My own warning bells go off when people don't have a driver's license, job or talk constantly how 'The Man is out to get them.' Ummm, yeah. We all have our own demons, but dang girl, try not to show up on Psycho Radar.
I'm still fighting with my insurance company for coverage of a med I've been on for over 3 years. I've been without it for three weeks as of today & I've made more than 20 phone calls about it to my dr's office and insurance company. Gee, no rush. Fuck it all, glad I only have *chronic, debilitating pain* rather than ya know--something serious. There have been a handful of moments where my brain has entertained thoughts of suicide because my pain level is that.fucking.bad. Oh sanity, where art thou? I cannot tell this to my primary dr--because I am paranoid that my ex could find out & use it against me in court/custody. The receptionist is a friend of his girlfriend and I can't ever let that be documented. I'm praying that it is cleared up today. I don't have minutes to spare on my stupid ass rape-me-by-the-minute cell phone. Plus, the weather changed drastically & I'm feeling it in my bones. I so need to move to a better climate.
I'm going to take a nap. Yay for rainy days & Mondays.
This is the first time in my life--that I've had friends, that I can say ANYTHING to. I don't have to hedge my comments or hold back my thoughts or censor my fantasies. It is fucking EXHILARATING. I love hanging out with them & talking all night. I love sleeping in between them & holding Sue's hand while Roger snuggles & spoons me. And the sex is a whole bunch of awesome.
In every relationship I've ever been in--I've held back or tried to be/act/say what I thought the other person wanted me to be. Yes, it was insane...but I've had this underlying need to be 'approved of.' The struggle of pretending to be someone I wasn't for most of my life is over. I can tell them anything & they love me *anyway*.
Except for the part where I can't 'come out' to my family or 'normal' friends as being a bisexual-owned-submissive in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. Ok--I'll never be able to divulge that to most of the people in my everyday life. I live in a small, backward, redneck-ish town & I never want my kids to have to deal with idiots judging them--because of me.
I'm totally not making much sense, I only slept for 4 hours in between them Saturday night...and that was after having 5 shots of Crown. Then last night I had 4 shots & slept for 6 hours--before son woke me up at 6:30 a.m. wanting me to put the head back on his action figure. WTF--do you see me sleeping?
Also Saturday, Roger & Sue drove 3 hours each way to pick up a girl they've been talking to online. I told Roger he is just wanting to feel like a god with three women in his bed. Greedy! The girl was fun, intelligent & cute. She's 13 years younger than me...so that is a bit strange. I prefer to date people who remember the 80's. lol. She slept in the spare bedroom & claimed a headache...after saying she could drink us all under the table. Ha! Maybe me--because I am a lightweight with drinking nowadays. But Sue? I've seen her drink a half a gallon of vodka & not even slur. There were a couple of times the 'new girl' contradicted herself into a corner with her own lies; I'm glad she lives far away. Not from jealousy, I get a vibe that she can create a ton of drama. My own warning bells go off when people don't have a driver's license, job or talk constantly how 'The Man is out to get them.' Ummm, yeah. We all have our own demons, but dang girl, try not to show up on Psycho Radar.
I'm still fighting with my insurance company for coverage of a med I've been on for over 3 years. I've been without it for three weeks as of today & I've made more than 20 phone calls about it to my dr's office and insurance company. Gee, no rush. Fuck it all, glad I only have *chronic, debilitating pain* rather than ya know--something serious. There have been a handful of moments where my brain has entertained thoughts of suicide because my pain level is that.fucking.bad. Oh sanity, where art thou? I cannot tell this to my primary dr--because I am paranoid that my ex could find out & use it against me in court/custody. The receptionist is a friend of his girlfriend and I can't ever let that be documented. I'm praying that it is cleared up today. I don't have minutes to spare on my stupid ass rape-me-by-the-minute cell phone. Plus, the weather changed drastically & I'm feeling it in my bones. I so need to move to a better climate.
I'm going to take a nap. Yay for rainy days & Mondays.
Friday, September 18, 2009
DAMMIT.
My laptop is still acting up & out of my realm of experience with fixing it. Grrr.
I'm going out with Roger & Sue Saturday--karaoke & girly bar & getting tipsy & staying over at their place--woohoo!!! I do love going to a strip bar--people watching & boobies & curves & YUMMMMM. And, of course, by all powers of the universe trying to dampen my fun--I started my cycle. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I don't want early menopause--I just want sex EVERY day without ick factor. And no chemicals or pig hormones--or whatever the hell they prescribe to not have a period. I'm all for nature doing it's thing--but dammit, it adds to a lot of laundry.
Having my tubes tied was LIBERATING. Sex without fear of getting knocked up--omg, it was exhilarating. I wouldn't encourage another woman to do it though, the long-term problems suck.
Another thing--the men I've dated over the last two years, they've all been previously married, with many women in their past...etc.. When I would say "I started" & pull away from them when they tried to put their hands down my pants--they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. What the hell? Do I have to spell it out EVERY TIME?
I just began saying "It's Blow Job Week." They all understood then & of course, loved it. Me? Whatever--get me off afterwards, because I give amazing blow jobs. Just simple courtesy, geez. Another point that always made me ponder--especially with living with someone--why am I expected to give a blow job every day of BJ Week--when the other 3 weeks, I'm begging for sex four times a week? (ok, probably more than 4, but dang...can't help it.)
I'm rambling, still fighting with my insurance company over covering meds & it's making me a bit off-kilter. Two weeks without a particular med makes me a BIT FUCKIN OUCHY.
Oh--and my 10 yr old son was just diagnosed as ADD. Welcome to my world son--I've been self-medicating for years. He'll get to go thru 2 shrinks & evaluations soon. I look at my 'perfect' kid & feel bad that I've passed on some of my worst traits/genes. I really, really don't want to medicate him--BUT--he's struggling with school and it's affecting his self-esteem to almost a depression. He's still 'just my baby' in my eyes. His whole ADD symptoms have been apparent since birth & especially when he started school, but I've just tucked them away in my head & said "That's just how he is, he has peculiarities."
The straw that finally broke me to take him to the dr was 2 weeks ago. He brought home 15 review problems in Math. He sat at the kitchen table while I tried EVERYTHING. Nudging his answers, giving him hints, yelling at him, promising him to have his friend over, BRIBING HIM WITH VIDEO GAMES--and he STILL struggled. I'm bawling because I yelled at him, he's bawling because I yelled at him. We were totally frustrated. 15 problems took him from 3 until 7:45. I called his teachers to ask for help--maybe they knew some tricks? Nope, they've tried it all too & they get the same results. This brilliant child--who has tested GENIUS and well ABOVE AVERAGE in ALL of his subjects---brought home 4 D's on his mid-terms.
I feel guilty that I didn't pursue it earlier. But in the last 3 and a half years--the stress level has been tremendous. Losing my dad instantly--who was EVERYTHING to my kids, my grandmother to Alzheimer's--a slow & painful death for all of us, especially watching such a proud, strong woman to lose her dignity & her mind, my uncle to a sudden cancer---and then all my back problems--struggling to WALK or get out of BED--and then a DIVORCE? Holy shit, it's no wonder I need depression meds.
Another pro-active thing I've done for my son--I signed him up for Boy Scouts. He was in for a while in 1st grade..but we just stopped going. Now I realize, he needs to be around MEN WHO AREN'T ASSHOLES. He needs "man-skills" and to know that there are men who DO care & don't treat people like his father treats him. I was a tom-boy when I was young, but there are just certain things that a mother cannot teach her son. I just feel this great pressure that I have to teach him how to be a GOOD man--but he does NOT have an example in his life. So..Boy Scouts it is. And they are going camping in two weeks & he CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
So, that's what's going on here. Daughter & I are having a power struggle. She somehow thinks she's the boss. Whatever--are you 18 yet? Gahhh, she's so much like me--it's like yelling at my 16 yr old self in a mirror! (Not in looks, but in ATTITUDE & indignant behavior.)
But--girly bar--Saturday & booze. Yay me!
I'm going out with Roger & Sue Saturday--karaoke & girly bar & getting tipsy & staying over at their place--woohoo!!! I do love going to a strip bar--people watching & boobies & curves & YUMMMMM. And, of course, by all powers of the universe trying to dampen my fun--I started my cycle. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I don't want early menopause--I just want sex EVERY day without ick factor. And no chemicals or pig hormones--or whatever the hell they prescribe to not have a period. I'm all for nature doing it's thing--but dammit, it adds to a lot of laundry.
Having my tubes tied was LIBERATING. Sex without fear of getting knocked up--omg, it was exhilarating. I wouldn't encourage another woman to do it though, the long-term problems suck.
Another thing--the men I've dated over the last two years, they've all been previously married, with many women in their past...etc.. When I would say "I started" & pull away from them when they tried to put their hands down my pants--they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. What the hell? Do I have to spell it out EVERY TIME?
I just began saying "It's Blow Job Week." They all understood then & of course, loved it. Me? Whatever--get me off afterwards, because I give amazing blow jobs. Just simple courtesy, geez. Another point that always made me ponder--especially with living with someone--why am I expected to give a blow job every day of BJ Week--when the other 3 weeks, I'm begging for sex four times a week? (ok, probably more than 4, but dang...can't help it.)
I'm rambling, still fighting with my insurance company over covering meds & it's making me a bit off-kilter. Two weeks without a particular med makes me a BIT FUCKIN OUCHY.
Oh--and my 10 yr old son was just diagnosed as ADD. Welcome to my world son--I've been self-medicating for years. He'll get to go thru 2 shrinks & evaluations soon. I look at my 'perfect' kid & feel bad that I've passed on some of my worst traits/genes. I really, really don't want to medicate him--BUT--he's struggling with school and it's affecting his self-esteem to almost a depression. He's still 'just my baby' in my eyes. His whole ADD symptoms have been apparent since birth & especially when he started school, but I've just tucked them away in my head & said "That's just how he is, he has peculiarities."
The straw that finally broke me to take him to the dr was 2 weeks ago. He brought home 15 review problems in Math. He sat at the kitchen table while I tried EVERYTHING. Nudging his answers, giving him hints, yelling at him, promising him to have his friend over, BRIBING HIM WITH VIDEO GAMES--and he STILL struggled. I'm bawling because I yelled at him, he's bawling because I yelled at him. We were totally frustrated. 15 problems took him from 3 until 7:45. I called his teachers to ask for help--maybe they knew some tricks? Nope, they've tried it all too & they get the same results. This brilliant child--who has tested GENIUS and well ABOVE AVERAGE in ALL of his subjects---brought home 4 D's on his mid-terms.
I feel guilty that I didn't pursue it earlier. But in the last 3 and a half years--the stress level has been tremendous. Losing my dad instantly--who was EVERYTHING to my kids, my grandmother to Alzheimer's--a slow & painful death for all of us, especially watching such a proud, strong woman to lose her dignity & her mind, my uncle to a sudden cancer---and then all my back problems--struggling to WALK or get out of BED--and then a DIVORCE? Holy shit, it's no wonder I need depression meds.
Another pro-active thing I've done for my son--I signed him up for Boy Scouts. He was in for a while in 1st grade..but we just stopped going. Now I realize, he needs to be around MEN WHO AREN'T ASSHOLES. He needs "man-skills" and to know that there are men who DO care & don't treat people like his father treats him. I was a tom-boy when I was young, but there are just certain things that a mother cannot teach her son. I just feel this great pressure that I have to teach him how to be a GOOD man--but he does NOT have an example in his life. So..Boy Scouts it is. And they are going camping in two weeks & he CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
So, that's what's going on here. Daughter & I are having a power struggle. She somehow thinks she's the boss. Whatever--are you 18 yet? Gahhh, she's so much like me--it's like yelling at my 16 yr old self in a mirror! (Not in looks, but in ATTITUDE & indignant behavior.)
But--girly bar--Saturday & booze. Yay me!
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