Nirvana

My lovers stayed over Friday & Saturday night. I'm getting so attached that I'm afraid. My heart glows when I know they are coming over. I'm squishy in love & yet, a nervous wreck at the same time.

My little house was full--4 adults, 3 kids full-time plus a neighbor kid & a friend from school for about 4 hours each day. Holy hell, the noise level. And the dishes. And the cooking. And the clutter. But it was fun!


Ohhhh & I got a punishment spanking around 4 Sunday morning. (Well, kind-of--because it's hard to keep it as a punishment in my head when I like it. But there is that mindfuck that I've messed up & need to repent.) I told Roger I was going to go put on my jammies & he said I had to dress in front of him. I brushed my teeth & came out of the bathroom with only a t-shirt on, walked across the room to my dresser to grab panties & jammie pants. He came up behind me when I was looking in the dresser, pulled my t-shirt off, placed his hand around my throat & had me look in the mirror. Whoa. He's whispering in my ear--Did I tell you that you could put on a t-shirt? while he pressed his body up against mine. I'm not struggling for breath, but it's not real easy to talk--so I just shake my head 'no' slightly. He grabbed my left nipple & pulled it so hard I got tears in my eyes--& felt my pussy twitch & start to get wet. Oh my gods, he can do things just with his voice that makes my body respond. But the play-choking & nipple torture is really nice too.

Sue leans in to take my other nipple in her mouth and I lean back into Roger to enjoy the sensation. He's still talking lowly into my ear, one hand still on my throat & the other roaming my body-- forcing me to look in the mirror while he describes my body. Sue's hand slaps my thighs & tells me to open my legs. My brain is racing with endorphins & Roger grasps tighter around my neck. She starts slapping my cunt--first three strokes were easy & then a sharp sting...three more easy taps & then another hard strike. I moan at the sharp slap & she jams two fingers inside me. The only reason I'm still able to stand up is because Roger is supporting me--my knees feel like jelly. She pulls out her fingers & shoves them in my mouth. Roger releases my throat & tells me I'm such a dirty little cunt for tasting myself. And bad little girls don't get orgasms when they don't obey. Daddy doesn't like it when his little girl can't behave. (fucking SWOON baby, I'm FLYING and moaning.) Sue shoves her fingers back inside me hard & fast...teasing my g-spot with precision. She pulls out & rubs my wetness all over my labia--I swear it feels like it's running down my leg. Roger's hand goes around my throat again while Sue rubs her fingers across my mouth. I start to suck on her fingers & she grabs the back of my hair hard, pulls me to look in her eyes while SHE sucks my wetness off of her fingers. A gutteral moan escaped & Roger bites my shoulder & neck while Sue kisses me. Her other hand starts tapping against my labia, swift sharp slaps while I groan into her mouth. I can no longer tell whose hand is where, I just know that this is nirvana.

Roger guides us to the bed, he has my hair entertwined in his fingers. He pulls me down to my knees & I start to reach for his zipper. Sue grabs my wrists & pulls them behind my back--my head tipped backward from my hair being pulled. She ravages my mouth with her tongue & Roger starts slapping my tits again. When I don't moan for a few seconds, he grabs both nipples & pulls me to his lap. Ohmyfreakingawd, I love to lay across (or sit in) his lap. With my ass in the air, Roger started spanking me swift, sharp & loud--his hand on the back of my neck holding my hair taut,my head shoved to the mattress. I'm trying not to drool because I'm so turned on. In between slaps, I feel Sue's hand rub across my red, stinging cheeks. I moan Thank You to her for soothing me & then I feel her hand slap right in the sweet spot where my thighs meet my cheeks. Roger & Sue alternate spanks while they tell me what a naughty sub I am, how I need to pay attention to Master's orders better, how I was their little girl to do with as they pleased. I start to really squirm because I'm not sure how much more I can take. Tears are brimming my eyes & I sniffle as I struggle to be still. The spanks keep coming hard with an occasional rub randomly thrown in. When they rub the sore spots, I try to say "Thank you" but it comes out as a sob. Fingers swiftly enter my cunt & start grinding against my g-spot again. I can tell it's Sue's fingers inside me--she has a gentler touch entering me but then strokes me hard once she has her fingers in deep. Roger is rubbing my blood red cheeks telling me that I'm a good girl for taking the spanking so well. Daddy loves his little girl so much. (swoon again!) I try to lift my head to tell him I love him too & he says "Put your head back down, you little bitch. I didn't tell you to move." Tears start rolling again & Sue pulls her fingers out to rub against my clit. I can't help but tilt towards her fingers.

I'm climbing higher & closer with each swirl of motion across my clit. Roger has taken his hand out of my hair & is tweaking my nipple so hard I think he's going to pull it off. I feel transcendental, like if I close my eyes I could watch this from the ceiling corner. My body flexes to rigid state as I hit the top peak of my orgasm. One of them shoves their fingers against my g-spot & the floodgates open up. I felt warm liquid pulse out of me as I gasp, moaning 'oh fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck' over & over. When I finally stop quivering from the intensity, four hands are rubbing all over me. THIS is nirvana.

Roger tosses me to the middle of the bed, Sue grabs a towel. We snuggle into our usual spots and I sleep like a dream. The last thing I remember them talking about is how I have to please them in the morning. And so it goes...

Have I said how much I love my life right now?

Genetically fucked

This week has been insane. Four appointments & after-school junk & my pain level has been out of this world. I've had to force myself to get my ass outta bed. The house looks like nasty hobos live here & I need to fumigate.

Took son to his new shrink, trying to figure out what is going on with his attention span, failing grades & just spacey behavior. All his life, I've just said "he's quirky" and we've catered to his behaviors. We used to call him Eeyor because he was just so laid back & whatever about stuff. He's a totally sensitive, loving, great kid--but sometimes tells lies--and not even good ones. The shrink called me in & had my son tell me what they talked about. My 10 yr old sat beside me & told me how he's planned on committing suicide since 3rd grade. I absolutely did NOT see that coming. I'm trying to not lose it & sob & my BABY COMFORTS ME. Oh my god. We talked about it with the doc & he now has a safety plan for when these feelings hit him. And off we go to the shrink weekly--30 minutes away. I am so thankful for Medicaid--but it is a total bitch to get things covered & approved.

So thus far--the doc thinks he has Asperger's Syndrome along with ADD (no hyper) and depression. I knew the depression thing--as it's a total family trait. Both my parents, me, my 16 yr old & who knows what on their dad's side--they are odd ducks. I feel that I have genetically screwed up my kids for life. Would it have stopped me from having kids? Nahhh, I just wish I knew about all the family history & acted upon therapy YEARS ago.

I'm unsettled about it all. I don't understand enough about Aspie's & ADD yet. What I've read so far online--I'm flabbergasted that he has SO MANY of these traits and I didn't do/think/figure it out before 5th grade. My 16 yr old has been on depression meds since she was 14 and--she's a cutter. (as was I--now I compensate differently though). I'm unnerved that three depressed people should live in the same house. Holy shit, that's fucking overwhelming. There isn't much sanity in the house and I'M THE MOMMY. Fuck.

And with other great news, I went to the pain doc yesterday to talk about surgery. I have a huge ass knot right where a bra would go (if I wore one lol). He kept flicking it with his fingers to see how hard I would flinch. Fucker! He hemmed & hawed when I asked direct questions about fibro & all the other spinal issues I have--until he just said "He doesn't believe that fibro is a correct diagnosis. He believes there is SOMETHING wrong & dr's can't explain it--so they slap the Fibro name on it." Hmmm okayyyy. BUT--he is very understanding & comforting & acknowledges that I AM in PAIN. He totally said "Sometimes we JUST.DON'T.KNOW what is wrong, but I will do what I can to fix it." I dig this guy, truly. I've been thru some jackass docs in the last 20 years and this one ADMITS he's HUMAN.

Sooooo...the knot in my bra line is either a fracture or a tumor. But don't worry--either way, we'll stick a 2 foot needle in there & root around. And it may take three weeks to get Medicaid to approve x-rays & a new MRI. (Did I get new pain meds? NOPE--I'm just fucking dealing with it and wise-cracking to my friends that I may-or-may-not have a goddamn tumor on my spine.)

And--after THAT is taken care of--I'm going to have a stimulator put in my spinal cord. It VIBRATES away PAIN. I'm all for it--because hey--I like vibrating things. lol. I'm also pretty excited that this implant will set off airport security, shoplifting sensors and I can't ever have another MRI--because the wires will be like cooking aluminum foil in a microwave. YAY ME!! They give me an ID card showing that I will set off this stuff--so I told my g/f that I'm going to start shoplifting & then getting pissy that they are discriminating against me because of the implant in my body. (not really)

Here's another thing I'm pretty worried about--who the hell is going to deal with taking care of me in recovery? I'm a single mom with 2 kids--my mom is my only family (i have a sister--but she's a pain in the ass). How the hell am I going to get thru this? AND NOT HAVE SEX? DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. Who's gonna feed them hogs? (obscure country song reference--but I totally get it!)

The other thing about the stimulator is--I'm going to have this fifty-cent piece plastic thing under my skin. It had by-god-better not be on my rump. I'm not giving up spankings. The humanity! Oh & the big-ass splotchy burn on my back from my heating pad? I have permanently TATTOOED myself--it will never go away. It looks gross as hell, but I'm all ready cock-eyed, what's another thing? I stopped using the heating pad back in July--it's STILL red as apples. I am an idiot!

Ok, I'm going to do the dishes, Roger & Sue are coming over later. Wooohooo lovin's! They give me such comfort--emotionally and physically. It's weird to be in love with a married couple. I go from feeling all squishy in love to--omg--if my other friends' or family knew--they'd have me committed. That's something that really bothers Roger--because he wants to tell everyone. And I'll always be in the closet about being poly & bi--if I continue to live here. Maybe in a different lifetime? Or when my kids are over 18? Maybe.