Nirvana

My lovers stayed over Friday & Saturday night. I'm getting so attached that I'm afraid. My heart glows when I know they are coming over. I'm squishy in love & yet, a nervous wreck at the same time.

My little house was full--4 adults, 3 kids full-time plus a neighbor kid & a friend from school for about 4 hours each day. Holy hell, the noise level. And the dishes. And the cooking. And the clutter. But it was fun!


Ohhhh & I got a punishment spanking around 4 Sunday morning. (Well, kind-of--because it's hard to keep it as a punishment in my head when I like it. But there is that mindfuck that I've messed up & need to repent.) I told Roger I was going to go put on my jammies & he said I had to dress in front of him. I brushed my teeth & came out of the bathroom with only a t-shirt on, walked across the room to my dresser to grab panties & jammie pants. He came up behind me when I was looking in the dresser, pulled my t-shirt off, placed his hand around my throat & had me look in the mirror. Whoa. He's whispering in my ear--Did I tell you that you could put on a t-shirt? while he pressed his body up against mine. I'm not struggling for breath, but it's not real easy to talk--so I just shake my head 'no' slightly. He grabbed my left nipple & pulled it so hard I got tears in my eyes--& felt my pussy twitch & start to get wet. Oh my gods, he can do things just with his voice that makes my body respond. But the play-choking & nipple torture is really nice too.

Sue leans in to take my other nipple in her mouth and I lean back into Roger to enjoy the sensation. He's still talking lowly into my ear, one hand still on my throat & the other roaming my body-- forcing me to look in the mirror while he describes my body. Sue's hand slaps my thighs & tells me to open my legs. My brain is racing with endorphins & Roger grasps tighter around my neck. She starts slapping my cunt--first three strokes were easy & then a sharp sting...three more easy taps & then another hard strike. I moan at the sharp slap & she jams two fingers inside me. The only reason I'm still able to stand up is because Roger is supporting me--my knees feel like jelly. She pulls out her fingers & shoves them in my mouth. Roger releases my throat & tells me I'm such a dirty little cunt for tasting myself. And bad little girls don't get orgasms when they don't obey. Daddy doesn't like it when his little girl can't behave. (fucking SWOON baby, I'm FLYING and moaning.) Sue shoves her fingers back inside me hard & fast...teasing my g-spot with precision. She pulls out & rubs my wetness all over my labia--I swear it feels like it's running down my leg. Roger's hand goes around my throat again while Sue rubs her fingers across my mouth. I start to suck on her fingers & she grabs the back of my hair hard, pulls me to look in her eyes while SHE sucks my wetness off of her fingers. A gutteral moan escaped & Roger bites my shoulder & neck while Sue kisses me. Her other hand starts tapping against my labia, swift sharp slaps while I groan into her mouth. I can no longer tell whose hand is where, I just know that this is nirvana.

Roger guides us to the bed, he has my hair entertwined in his fingers. He pulls me down to my knees & I start to reach for his zipper. Sue grabs my wrists & pulls them behind my back--my head tipped backward from my hair being pulled. She ravages my mouth with her tongue & Roger starts slapping my tits again. When I don't moan for a few seconds, he grabs both nipples & pulls me to his lap. Ohmyfreakingawd, I love to lay across (or sit in) his lap. With my ass in the air, Roger started spanking me swift, sharp & loud--his hand on the back of my neck holding my hair taut,my head shoved to the mattress. I'm trying not to drool because I'm so turned on. In between slaps, I feel Sue's hand rub across my red, stinging cheeks. I moan Thank You to her for soothing me & then I feel her hand slap right in the sweet spot where my thighs meet my cheeks. Roger & Sue alternate spanks while they tell me what a naughty sub I am, how I need to pay attention to Master's orders better, how I was their little girl to do with as they pleased. I start to really squirm because I'm not sure how much more I can take. Tears are brimming my eyes & I sniffle as I struggle to be still. The spanks keep coming hard with an occasional rub randomly thrown in. When they rub the sore spots, I try to say "Thank you" but it comes out as a sob. Fingers swiftly enter my cunt & start grinding against my g-spot again. I can tell it's Sue's fingers inside me--she has a gentler touch entering me but then strokes me hard once she has her fingers in deep. Roger is rubbing my blood red cheeks telling me that I'm a good girl for taking the spanking so well. Daddy loves his little girl so much. (swoon again!) I try to lift my head to tell him I love him too & he says "Put your head back down, you little bitch. I didn't tell you to move." Tears start rolling again & Sue pulls her fingers out to rub against my clit. I can't help but tilt towards her fingers.

I'm climbing higher & closer with each swirl of motion across my clit. Roger has taken his hand out of my hair & is tweaking my nipple so hard I think he's going to pull it off. I feel transcendental, like if I close my eyes I could watch this from the ceiling corner. My body flexes to rigid state as I hit the top peak of my orgasm. One of them shoves their fingers against my g-spot & the floodgates open up. I felt warm liquid pulse out of me as I gasp, moaning 'oh fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck' over & over. When I finally stop quivering from the intensity, four hands are rubbing all over me. THIS is nirvana.

Roger tosses me to the middle of the bed, Sue grabs a towel. We snuggle into our usual spots and I sleep like a dream. The last thing I remember them talking about is how I have to please them in the morning. And so it goes...

Have I said how much I love my life right now?

So...I'm a unicorn.

And Roger & Sue are taking me shopping next weekend for a new collar. Surreal, happy, content. Nearly a year ago, Jack & I were looking for our own unicorn to play with. I love how life changes.

This is the first time in my life--that I've had friends, that I can say ANYTHING to. I don't have to hedge my comments or hold back my thoughts or censor my fantasies. It is fucking EXHILARATING. I love hanging out with them & talking all night. I love sleeping in between them & holding Sue's hand while Roger snuggles & spoons me. And the sex is a whole bunch of awesome.

In every relationship I've ever been in--I've held back or tried to be/act/say what I thought the other person wanted me to be. Yes, it was insane...but I've had this underlying need to be 'approved of.' The struggle of pretending to be someone I wasn't for most of my life is over. I can tell them anything & they love me *anyway*.


Except for the part where I can't 'come out' to my family or 'normal' friends as being a bisexual-owned-submissive in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. Ok--I'll never be able to divulge that to most of the people in my everyday life. I live in a small, backward, redneck-ish town & I never want my kids to have to deal with idiots judging them--because of me.

I'm totally not making much sense, I only slept for 4 hours in between them Saturday night...and that was after having 5 shots of Crown. Then last night I had 4 shots & slept for 6 hours--before son woke me up at 6:30 a.m. wanting me to put the head back on his action figure. WTF--do you see me sleeping?

Also Saturday, Roger & Sue drove 3 hours each way to pick up a girl they've been talking to online. I told Roger he is just wanting to feel like a god with three women in his bed. Greedy! The girl was fun, intelligent & cute. She's 13 years younger than me...so that is a bit strange. I prefer to date people who remember the 80's. lol. She slept in the spare bedroom & claimed a headache...after saying she could drink us all under the table. Ha! Maybe me--because I am a lightweight with drinking nowadays. But Sue? I've seen her drink a half a gallon of vodka & not even slur. There were a couple of times the 'new girl' contradicted herself into a corner with her own lies; I'm glad she lives far away. Not from jealousy, I get a vibe that she can create a ton of drama. My own warning bells go off when people don't have a driver's license, job or talk constantly how 'The Man is out to get them.' Ummm, yeah. We all have our own demons, but dang girl, try not to show up on Psycho Radar.

I'm still fighting with my insurance company for coverage of a med I've been on for over 3 years. I've been without it for three weeks as of today & I've made more than 20 phone calls about it to my dr's office and insurance company. Gee, no rush. Fuck it all, glad I only have *chronic, debilitating pain* rather than ya know--something serious. There have been a handful of moments where my brain has entertained thoughts of suicide because my pain level is that.fucking.bad. Oh sanity, where art thou? I cannot tell this to my primary dr--because I am paranoid that my ex could find out & use it against me in court/custody. The receptionist is a friend of his girlfriend and I can't ever let that be documented. I'm praying that it is cleared up today. I don't have minutes to spare on my stupid ass rape-me-by-the-minute cell phone. Plus, the weather changed drastically & I'm feeling it in my bones. I so need to move to a better climate.

I'm going to take a nap. Yay for rainy days & Mondays.

Tell me lies, sweet little lies..

In this case BIG FAT HAIRY lies. In all of my 'major' relationships with men--long-term dating, living together, married, living together again. I've been in love with LIARS. I must have some chemical reaction that says "Oh Sure, I'll believe ANYTHING...for a while & then I'll hate myself when I become suspicious & asking direct questions & mentioning little tid-bits in front of family & friends. So they can either stare at me like I'm the most naive person on the planet when it turns out to be a lie.

My ex husband, for instance, if his mouth was open, he was lying. Including "Do we have enough bread?" Oh yeah, we've got a LOT of bread. So I'd go & make the kids sandwiches...with heels. Because lying over bread is like-so-fucking-important. I'd get huffy & he'd start yelling...that wasn't what he said & then start twisting it around to make ME feel like an ass because We're Fighting Over Fucking Bread.

So you'd think I'd learn something from living with lies for 15+ years. Nope. I don't learn NUFFIN, cuz I'm thinking with a rock between my ears.

When I met Jack, he told me he was in the military for 12 years. Wow. 12 years. I respected him because of that. Most of the men (and a few women) in my family have served in every War & conflict dating back to the American Revolution. I have great admiration for those who serve.

Jack told in-depth stories to my son about airplanes, jets, submarines, guns, weapons--details of how he had PTS syndrome, how he'd act startled when fireworks went off. He was a great liar. He even went to college with help from his GI Bill. (ha)

In the past year, I've met Jack's parents twice. The second time I asked his mom for a military picture. She said "I don't know if we have one, but I'll look." I thought that was odd--how can you not have a picture of your son? (So I put it in my head that --maybe they just aren't "Picture People" like me & my family are. We take pictures of EVERYTHING. Bad haircuts, our cars, babies with messy faces, our flower beds, homes...you get it.) Jack was instantly pissed off at me, we left quickly & I've not seen his parents since.

I made him a cross-stitched bookmark with his military symbol & a flag as the backdrop and gave it to him for Veteran's Day. He acted embarrassed & said "But I didn't do that much." {foreshadowing people--I don't usually catch it but this one stuck out}

When Jack plays his MMORPG, he's on voice chat with his game buddies. Three out of four of them were in the same branch of military but at varying times. Jack was the highest rank among them & they all talked a lot of trash.

A few months later, Jack got really sick. Like walking pneumonia sick and he wasn't getting any better. He's allergic to the antibiotics I had on hand, so I couldn't even offer those. I was ready to take him to the emergency room one night but he just told me I was being overprotective. The next day I asked if I could make him an appt at the VA Hospital. He gave me a "NO, just DROP IT, I'll be fine." Mmmmk. Ten minutes later he fesses up--"I hit an officer & got a dishonorable discharge."
Damn. Shock. I still assumed he'd served SOME time. He just had too many details of things.

I've got to back up a little here. Jack's best friend & wife were the only friends of his we hung out with. Roger & Sue are also into bdsm, both are pagan, bi & poly and I've gotten really close with them. I discovered 5 months in--that Sue and Jack share a child. A 14 year old boy--who I never knew existed until I was in their kitchen & saw his picture on the fridge. Jack also has 3 other children by his ex-wife--whom he hasn't seen in years-nor paid support. Another story--for later on.

ANYWAY..when I needed to talk to someone about Jack & how to get him to move out--I called Roger & Sue. They welcomed me into their home and the Truth About Everything came spilling out. They were the only ones that knew about Jack and his past. And with all of my bad relationships of my ex's violent behavior--I needed to know what to expect. Is he going to punch me? Scream? Break shit? Also--another story for another time. He didn't get violent though.

The whole point of this long-winded drivel is...Jack was kicked out of BASIC TRAINING. He abandoned Sue when she was pregnant. He doesn't get a job very often--because he's 10-bazillion dollars behind in child support for his 3 kids. Sue's parents tricked her into signing over her & Jack's newborn son. (They've since healed & Sue's parents are still raising him.)

I feel like a complete fool. I want to tell my son eventually, just not right now. Maybe when Jack is completely out of the picture...I still have a ton of his crap here & I'd like to get my laptop back from him before we're totally severed.

I want a lie detector machine for my next relationship. And a background check. And maybe a private investigator.