Love is love & not fade away..

But it is fading away. And while I'm a bit sad about The End, I know that it is a good thing--for my kids, for me but probably not for Jack.


I've been seeing him since October last year. He was funny, intelligent, charming & made me feel safe. I also ignored all of the warning signs because after the hateful divorce and a chain of non-chalant fuck buddies, I just wanted to be loved.


He didn't have a job or a driver's license. He lived with his parents when we met but a few weeks later moved into a house with 4 other guys. One of the four had a job. The other three played MMORPG's every minute of the day. (yeah, those warning bells were SIRENS but I ignored them & convinced myself that he just had bad luck & he'd probably get a job--you know--eventually.)

Jack occupied my time when my kids were at their dad's for the weekend. I'd drive 45 minutes to pick him up, stay & talk with his roomates & then drive 45 minutes home. We'd watch movies that he'd brought on my laptop & snuggle in my twin bed.
It became comfort to have someone to solely be attached to. He held me. I can't tell you how desperate I was to be held & have a boyfriend. He commiserated with me over the injustice of my divorce, watched as I trembled in fear over the next threats & extortion from my ex, told me it was going to be OK when I was desolate over Christmas when my kids spent 9 days==5 blocks from me and NO CONTACT AT ALL. (I've never been away from my kids for more than 2 days). {My ex knows how to hurt me most of all--through my children.}

Jack was my substitute man in my life. He made me see silver lining in all things when I was ready to lose it.

My son ADORED him. Jack introduced him to Star Wars & told him tales of being in the military. They'd play with toys, transformers, cannons, guns, rockets & discuss all things 'boy'. I watched my son become attached & enjoy the company of the first decent man since my Dad had died. Jack became the substitute man in my son's life.

My daughter enjoyed his company, they talked of music & crazy teen stunts he'd pulled. He made her laugh & for a while--she really did like him. But 15 is fickle and it later changed; especially after he moved in.

He'd been staying at my house 2 or 3 days a week. He always had to hurry & get back because of his video game since my laptop couldn't handle it. I introduced him to my friend & her husband. We would go to their house--I'd chat with my friend & Jack would play games with her husband. They would share their smoke & occasionally I'd buy a small amount from them or trade them something they wanted. (The couple has 6 kids--some hers, some his & I had a LOT of kids playground toys my kids had outgrown.)

In the meantime, his roommates were being evicted for non-payment of rent. Go figure.

Jack wanted to bring his monster computer up here to show his new buddy. And before you know it, 3 days turned into 5 and then 9--he had a few clothes here, his monster computer & an internet connection. He just stayed. We never talked about living together, never even mentioned it. It just happened.

To be continued...