My upcoming appointments

I've been fighting, applying & appealing with Social Security disability for almost 3 years now. In the next two weeks, I have a mental evaluation and another physical exam through their doctors. This will be my third time. Yippee.

The last two times--"THEIR" doctors agreed that I am not capable of holding a normal job, not able to lift 5 pounds, sit in a chair for 10 minutes or whatever. But somehow, the people-in-charge have still found a loophole where I am not qualified to be on the receiving end of monetary support.

My rheumatologist, pain mgmt specialist & my family dr.'s have written pages upon pages of how screwed up my body is...how my quality of life is affected down to the words "she will never get better."

Those words stung like a swift backhand. Even though I've known it all along, to actually see it in print--it hurt.

I want to work. I need to work. I want a job, even if it is just a part-time mind-numbing two-days-a-week gig. I want to be able to go buy a pack of socks for my son without wondering if that seven bucks will cause me to drive on fumes for three days until the next child support check comes in. I want to be able to hand my teen twenty bucks when she has a field trip for school.

I'm so aggravated with 'the system'. Since the divorce, I've had to rely on food stamps, state health care, food pantries & begging for my utilities to be paid through the trustee's office. My pride is long gone, my body is shot & I just want the freedom of being able to support my kids.

I've stood in lines with meth addicts, drunks & plain-as-day lazy fuckers. I am ever-so-grateful for the help I do get, but it is downright disheartening to watch people abuse the system and make it impossible for others who truly need help--not get it.

And for the record, I've been told "but you don't LOOK sick" more than a hundred times. I started responding "really? you don't LOOK stupid" and people just get all shitty with me. :D

I'm tempted to go to my psych eval and act bat-shit crazy. Ok, so it wouldn't be that much of a stretch some days...but I'm tired of the battle. Crazy is easier to prove than my stack of MRI's showing my deformed spine.