Genetically fucked

This week has been insane. Four appointments & after-school junk & my pain level has been out of this world. I've had to force myself to get my ass outta bed. The house looks like nasty hobos live here & I need to fumigate.

Took son to his new shrink, trying to figure out what is going on with his attention span, failing grades & just spacey behavior. All his life, I've just said "he's quirky" and we've catered to his behaviors. We used to call him Eeyor because he was just so laid back & whatever about stuff. He's a totally sensitive, loving, great kid--but sometimes tells lies--and not even good ones. The shrink called me in & had my son tell me what they talked about. My 10 yr old sat beside me & told me how he's planned on committing suicide since 3rd grade. I absolutely did NOT see that coming. I'm trying to not lose it & sob & my BABY COMFORTS ME. Oh my god. We talked about it with the doc & he now has a safety plan for when these feelings hit him. And off we go to the shrink weekly--30 minutes away. I am so thankful for Medicaid--but it is a total bitch to get things covered & approved.

So thus far--the doc thinks he has Asperger's Syndrome along with ADD (no hyper) and depression. I knew the depression thing--as it's a total family trait. Both my parents, me, my 16 yr old & who knows what on their dad's side--they are odd ducks. I feel that I have genetically screwed up my kids for life. Would it have stopped me from having kids? Nahhh, I just wish I knew about all the family history & acted upon therapy YEARS ago.

I'm unsettled about it all. I don't understand enough about Aspie's & ADD yet. What I've read so far online--I'm flabbergasted that he has SO MANY of these traits and I didn't do/think/figure it out before 5th grade. My 16 yr old has been on depression meds since she was 14 and--she's a cutter. (as was I--now I compensate differently though). I'm unnerved that three depressed people should live in the same house. Holy shit, that's fucking overwhelming. There isn't much sanity in the house and I'M THE MOMMY. Fuck.

And with other great news, I went to the pain doc yesterday to talk about surgery. I have a huge ass knot right where a bra would go (if I wore one lol). He kept flicking it with his fingers to see how hard I would flinch. Fucker! He hemmed & hawed when I asked direct questions about fibro & all the other spinal issues I have--until he just said "He doesn't believe that fibro is a correct diagnosis. He believes there is SOMETHING wrong & dr's can't explain it--so they slap the Fibro name on it." Hmmm okayyyy. BUT--he is very understanding & comforting & acknowledges that I AM in PAIN. He totally said "Sometimes we JUST.DON'T.KNOW what is wrong, but I will do what I can to fix it." I dig this guy, truly. I've been thru some jackass docs in the last 20 years and this one ADMITS he's HUMAN.

Sooooo...the knot in my bra line is either a fracture or a tumor. But don't worry--either way, we'll stick a 2 foot needle in there & root around. And it may take three weeks to get Medicaid to approve x-rays & a new MRI. (Did I get new pain meds? NOPE--I'm just fucking dealing with it and wise-cracking to my friends that I may-or-may-not have a goddamn tumor on my spine.)

And--after THAT is taken care of--I'm going to have a stimulator put in my spinal cord. It VIBRATES away PAIN. I'm all for it--because hey--I like vibrating things. lol. I'm also pretty excited that this implant will set off airport security, shoplifting sensors and I can't ever have another MRI--because the wires will be like cooking aluminum foil in a microwave. YAY ME!! They give me an ID card showing that I will set off this stuff--so I told my g/f that I'm going to start shoplifting & then getting pissy that they are discriminating against me because of the implant in my body. (not really)

Here's another thing I'm pretty worried about--who the hell is going to deal with taking care of me in recovery? I'm a single mom with 2 kids--my mom is my only family (i have a sister--but she's a pain in the ass). How the hell am I going to get thru this? AND NOT HAVE SEX? DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. Who's gonna feed them hogs? (obscure country song reference--but I totally get it!)

The other thing about the stimulator is--I'm going to have this fifty-cent piece plastic thing under my skin. It had by-god-better not be on my rump. I'm not giving up spankings. The humanity! Oh & the big-ass splotchy burn on my back from my heating pad? I have permanently TATTOOED myself--it will never go away. It looks gross as hell, but I'm all ready cock-eyed, what's another thing? I stopped using the heating pad back in July--it's STILL red as apples. I am an idiot!

Ok, I'm going to do the dishes, Roger & Sue are coming over later. Wooohooo lovin's! They give me such comfort--emotionally and physically. It's weird to be in love with a married couple. I go from feeling all squishy in love to--omg--if my other friends' or family knew--they'd have me committed. That's something that really bothers Roger--because he wants to tell everyone. And I'll always be in the closet about being poly & bi--if I continue to live here. Maybe in a different lifetime? Or when my kids are over 18? Maybe.