My first lapdances....

I've been to strip clubs before. My first one was in an Army-base town & my friend was a pregnant stripper. (classy) I was 20 and trying not to let anyone see me look at the girls. I battled with being attracted to girls a LOT. It was 1991, I was from a small redneck town where gay-bashing jokes were rampant & scary. There was no way I could tell anyone that I liked boys AND girls. And wanted to devour them all.

(sidenote: my ex-husband proposed to me in an alley outside a strip club. High class.)


Even in jr high, I remember changing clothes in the locker room & the girl beside me had incredible tits. My mouth watered as I forced myself to look the other way...but all I wanted to do was lean over and put her perfect, rigid nipple in my mouth. I was out-of-my-mind afraid that people could read my thoughts, so I always kept my eyes downcast as much as possible in school.


Jr high & high school was a very confusing time for me, all those hormones racing & I could not figure out if I liked boys or girls. I went along with the mainstream crowd & 'dated' boys. Always the 'bad boys' too, if they had a rugged exterior, caused trouble or had a bad reputation. Hell, I grew up & still live in John Mellencamp & James Dean country. Bad boys liked wild girls.

Anyway, back to the 'attracted to girls' thing. I pushed that down for years, didn't explore it until I was 19. I fell in love with a girl & we were both terrified of our feelings. Kissing her was like biting into juicy peaches...oh my god, I still fantasize about her kisses. We were both totally inept at the girl-on-girl thing....and we laughed and learned and explored. It's a hella lot easier sneaking girly sex with the ruse of sleepovers than it is trying to get it on with your boyfriend when you still live with your parents.

And then one day...it all just fell apart. No more sleepovers, no more phone calls...just stopped. I ran into her at a drugstore buying a pregnancy test. She totally avoided eye contact. Awkward as hell, I wished her the best & walked out. I've not been 'in love' with a girl since--until now. I'm more terrified of loving a girl than I am a guy--I don't have a clue why. It just wounded me to the core.

Hell, this all started as a story about going to the strip club and now I'm all trying to figure out my girl attraction.

Roger, Sue & I went to a little dive with $50. Dollar lapdances bayyybeee! I loved staring at the men getting hard with booty in their face. (I do so love watching cocks harden.) I'm not wild about touching strangers--but Roger pulled the "dom card" and I melted into a puddle. He leaned over, yanked my hair hard, shoved bills in my hand & said "DO IT." I'm a wuss, I admit it. lol.
I damn near had to sit on my hands--I wanted to fondle her perky tits & nibble on her perfect ass. Gyrating her ass in my face, Sue made eye contact with me & I pretended to take a bite. The bouncer sees this & hollers "BITE HER" and I accidentally touched her leg & she flinched. I was MORTIFIED. I'd broken the cardinal rule of the strip club--they can touch YOU, but you can't touch THEM. I turned 4 shades of red and kept saying "I'm sooooo sorry!" She laughed it off while the bar laughed at ME! lol.

Sue & I were the only non-stripper/non-bartender girls there. Roger is pointing out who is checking us out. I told him he had a god complex because he was the only guy there who was definitely going to get laid that night AND with two women. We went home with $10, hot, horny & had crazy threesome sex. Ahhh, I love my life.

Educate me, please...

I took my 16 year old daughter to Planned Parenthood today. She threatened to walk in the office & ask for a coat hanger. I lost it & spewed my energy drink down my shirt. Sick & twisted runs in our family--we can't help it. (She'd seen the coat hanger joke online somewhere & stored it in her brain for *this* exact moment. I love that sick kid of mine.)

We're surrounded by college girls in the waiting room. I felt out of place being the only mom there...but I hoped to score some cheap condoms too. (They always have a great assortment of colored ones--nothing like a blue condom to make you giggle during sex.) We went through all of the brochures & attempted to educate ourselves. Plus--there was a great tutorial on "How to Use A Condom"--we took three.

Daughter had to fill out a sex history form and I was totally stumped by a couple of the questions.

"Do you have problems remembering to wear your seatbelt?" I can only guess that's a sign that you're too dingy to be on a birth control pill & actually take it daily. (I was in that category..umm..once or thirteen times.)

The second stumper was "Check all the types of sex you have had.
__Vaginal __Oral __Anal __Other_______"

Other? Daughter leaned over & asked what "other" might be. I started humming the Veggie Tales theme song & we giggled like maniacs. The lyrics in my head were "If you'd like to fuck with tomatoes, If you'd like to insert potatoes, If a squash can make you smile...Have we got a zucchini for you!" (yeah, I'm not lyrically talented--whatever, this IS my brain & I'm seriously not on enough drugs.)

I really couldn't come up with an answer. Do you really want to write in "finger-banging" or "tit-fucking" there? Is that truly necessary to divulge? Do you think this includes dildos, vibrators & masturbation? I want to know what some people have opted to 'write in'. I'm curious as hell! I'd love to fill one out myself and write in "Once, at church camp..." (Who am I kidding--I've only been to Vacation Bible School?)

The other question was "Have you had inappropriate sex?"
Inappropriate HOW? Are we talking illegal & immoral? Ye GODS--I'm not sure I want to know what they would consider 'inappropriate.' Much of my sex life was inappropriate..and still is--but that's how I LIKE it.
My daughter tapped her pen beside this question and I shrugged my shoulders & whispered "Moooooooo" in her ear. She snorted her laugh so hard--she sounded just like a pig & I just said "EXACTLY--please don't fill that one out honey, I really don't want that recorded in your medical file for all eternity."

We were getting glares from the preppy college girls. I can only guess they were trying to concentrate on filling out their Plan B or syphillis form. Sluts. heehee.

Thank gods for Planned Parenthood though...they saved my ass for several years.

I'm so snitching all the blue condoms out of my daughter's loot bag & trading her with the clear ones. When are they going to start putting Ed Hardy tattoo images on condoms? Wouldn't that be bad ass???

So...I'm a unicorn.

And Roger & Sue are taking me shopping next weekend for a new collar. Surreal, happy, content. Nearly a year ago, Jack & I were looking for our own unicorn to play with. I love how life changes.

This is the first time in my life--that I've had friends, that I can say ANYTHING to. I don't have to hedge my comments or hold back my thoughts or censor my fantasies. It is fucking EXHILARATING. I love hanging out with them & talking all night. I love sleeping in between them & holding Sue's hand while Roger snuggles & spoons me. And the sex is a whole bunch of awesome.

In every relationship I've ever been in--I've held back or tried to be/act/say what I thought the other person wanted me to be. Yes, it was insane...but I've had this underlying need to be 'approved of.' The struggle of pretending to be someone I wasn't for most of my life is over. I can tell them anything & they love me *anyway*.


Except for the part where I can't 'come out' to my family or 'normal' friends as being a bisexual-owned-submissive in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. Ok--I'll never be able to divulge that to most of the people in my everyday life. I live in a small, backward, redneck-ish town & I never want my kids to have to deal with idiots judging them--because of me.

I'm totally not making much sense, I only slept for 4 hours in between them Saturday night...and that was after having 5 shots of Crown. Then last night I had 4 shots & slept for 6 hours--before son woke me up at 6:30 a.m. wanting me to put the head back on his action figure. WTF--do you see me sleeping?

Also Saturday, Roger & Sue drove 3 hours each way to pick up a girl they've been talking to online. I told Roger he is just wanting to feel like a god with three women in his bed. Greedy! The girl was fun, intelligent & cute. She's 13 years younger than me...so that is a bit strange. I prefer to date people who remember the 80's. lol. She slept in the spare bedroom & claimed a headache...after saying she could drink us all under the table. Ha! Maybe me--because I am a lightweight with drinking nowadays. But Sue? I've seen her drink a half a gallon of vodka & not even slur. There were a couple of times the 'new girl' contradicted herself into a corner with her own lies; I'm glad she lives far away. Not from jealousy, I get a vibe that she can create a ton of drama. My own warning bells go off when people don't have a driver's license, job or talk constantly how 'The Man is out to get them.' Ummm, yeah. We all have our own demons, but dang girl, try not to show up on Psycho Radar.

I'm still fighting with my insurance company for coverage of a med I've been on for over 3 years. I've been without it for three weeks as of today & I've made more than 20 phone calls about it to my dr's office and insurance company. Gee, no rush. Fuck it all, glad I only have *chronic, debilitating pain* rather than ya know--something serious. There have been a handful of moments where my brain has entertained thoughts of suicide because my pain level is that.fucking.bad. Oh sanity, where art thou? I cannot tell this to my primary dr--because I am paranoid that my ex could find out & use it against me in court/custody. The receptionist is a friend of his girlfriend and I can't ever let that be documented. I'm praying that it is cleared up today. I don't have minutes to spare on my stupid ass rape-me-by-the-minute cell phone. Plus, the weather changed drastically & I'm feeling it in my bones. I so need to move to a better climate.

I'm going to take a nap. Yay for rainy days & Mondays.

DAMMIT.

My laptop is still acting up & out of my realm of experience with fixing it. Grrr.

I'm going out with Roger & Sue Saturday--karaoke & girly bar & getting tipsy & staying over at their place--woohoo!!! I do love going to a strip bar--people watching & boobies & curves & YUMMMMM. And, of course, by all powers of the universe trying to dampen my fun--I started my cycle. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I don't want early menopause--I just want sex EVERY day without ick factor. And no chemicals or pig hormones--or whatever the hell they prescribe to not have a period. I'm all for nature doing it's thing--but dammit, it adds to a lot of laundry.

Having my tubes tied was LIBERATING. Sex without fear of getting knocked up--omg, it was exhilarating. I wouldn't encourage another woman to do it though, the long-term problems suck.

Another thing--the men I've dated over the last two years, they've all been previously married, with many women in their past...etc.. When I would say "I started" & pull away from them when they tried to put their hands down my pants--they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. What the hell? Do I have to spell it out EVERY TIME?

I just began saying "It's Blow Job Week." They all understood then & of course, loved it. Me? Whatever--get me off afterwards, because I give amazing blow jobs. Just simple courtesy, geez. Another point that always made me ponder--especially with living with someone--why am I expected to give a blow job every day of BJ Week--when the other 3 weeks, I'm begging for sex four times a week? (ok, probably more than 4, but dang...can't help it.)

I'm rambling, still fighting with my insurance company over covering meds & it's making me a bit off-kilter. Two weeks without a particular med makes me a BIT FUCKIN OUCHY.

Oh--and my 10 yr old son was just diagnosed as ADD. Welcome to my world son--I've been self-medicating for years. He'll get to go thru 2 shrinks & evaluations soon. I look at my 'perfect' kid & feel bad that I've passed on some of my worst traits/genes. I really, really don't want to medicate him--BUT--he's struggling with school and it's affecting his self-esteem to almost a depression. He's still 'just my baby' in my eyes. His whole ADD symptoms have been apparent since birth & especially when he started school, but I've just tucked them away in my head & said "That's just how he is, he has peculiarities."

The straw that finally broke me to take him to the dr was 2 weeks ago. He brought home 15 review problems in Math. He sat at the kitchen table while I tried EVERYTHING. Nudging his answers, giving him hints, yelling at him, promising him to have his friend over, BRIBING HIM WITH VIDEO GAMES--and he STILL struggled. I'm bawling because I yelled at him, he's bawling because I yelled at him. We were totally frustrated. 15 problems took him from 3 until 7:45. I called his teachers to ask for help--maybe they knew some tricks? Nope, they've tried it all too & they get the same results. This brilliant child--who has tested GENIUS and well ABOVE AVERAGE in ALL of his subjects---brought home 4 D's on his mid-terms.

I feel guilty that I didn't pursue it earlier. But in the last 3 and a half years--the stress level has been tremendous. Losing my dad instantly--who was EVERYTHING to my kids, my grandmother to Alzheimer's--a slow & painful death for all of us, especially watching such a proud, strong woman to lose her dignity & her mind, my uncle to a sudden cancer---and then all my back problems--struggling to WALK or get out of BED--and then a DIVORCE? Holy shit, it's no wonder I need depression meds.

Another pro-active thing I've done for my son--I signed him up for Boy Scouts. He was in for a while in 1st grade..but we just stopped going. Now I realize, he needs to be around MEN WHO AREN'T ASSHOLES. He needs "man-skills" and to know that there are men who DO care & don't treat people like his father treats him. I was a tom-boy when I was young, but there are just certain things that a mother cannot teach her son. I just feel this great pressure that I have to teach him how to be a GOOD man--but he does NOT have an example in his life. So..Boy Scouts it is. And they are going camping in two weeks & he CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

So, that's what's going on here. Daughter & I are having a power struggle. She somehow thinks she's the boss. Whatever--are you 18 yet? Gahhh, she's so much like me--it's like yelling at my 16 yr old self in a mirror! (Not in looks, but in ATTITUDE & indignant behavior.)

But--girly bar--Saturday & booze. Yay me!

Another night

Another night of debauchery at Roger & Sue's house. I'm exhausted but sated. Sue took pictures---holy SHIT. I've seen them on the camera--but I'm afraid to upload them to the laptop until I can find an online photo site that I can protect. I can't use flickr unless I create another alter-ego through yahoo (pain in the ass!). Plus--I'm ULTRA PARANOID that my kids will someone come across them--so they can't go in a folder anywhere on my laptop & I have to get them off of my memory card ASAP!

So if anyone knows of a decent place to hide nekkid photos online--without yahoo involved--let me know! That way I can transfer a few over to here; after they are properly altered & made anonymous. I'm not sure that I'm going to tell Roger & Sue about this blog yet--I want to continue to be uncensored & not afraid to post something I'm feeling. Then again, it's not right to post pics without their consent either. Dilemma, yes it is! (plus all that bitching I did about dog-sitting--I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings!)

There is one pic of me mid-orgasm, my neck is craned, back arched--just riding out in bliss. I think that one may look good altered in black n white. Not sure yet! I'm still amazed at how small my tits are--I used to be a full C--now I'm BARELY a B. I now understand why women get boob jobs! There are 3 or 4 shots of my ass flaming red with Roger's hand mid-air. My favorite is of Roger on his back, me on my knees above him & he's got his hand clenching my neck, just that energy of that moment still sends shivers to all the right places. I do love this power-exchange, it's so intense. My neck is tender this morning & I'm hoping I don't bruise. My body is so bizarre with all of the fibro problems & steroid effects.

Roger manipulates my g-spot until there is NO DRY SPOT anywhere on the bed. Hell, I wasn't at their house 30 minutes & I'd drenched my jeans, wetness running down my legs. He was sitting on the couch, I'm standing in front of him, his mouth on my nipples and fingers cranking inside me. GD--what a rush, it's such a weird feeling, this squirting thing. I'm definitely enjoying it, but it's still kind of bizarre. I'm going to have to start packing clothes when I go over.

Sue wasn't feeling the greatest, but I could feel her hands on me & in me from time to time--in between pictures. I did kiss, nibble & suck on her tits while Roger was fingering her. It really takes a lot to get her off, she's always giggling when I get off 3 or 4 times in a row. Again? OMG REALLY? Hell, I can't help it!

Now that I'm home, drinking coffee....I miss them both. I want more...more closeness, more affection, more laughter, more spanking, more teasing...yep, yep, yep. More.

My guitar

I mentioned I've been picking up the guitar again. My mom gave me my twelve-string Yamaha back. I sold it to my dad when my daughter was born so I could buy diapers and he promised I could have it back when I re-paid him. Slacker that I am--I never had the money to re-pay him. He passed away three years ago & my mom is ready to have her space in that room without ancient Fender amplifiers & cheap guitars. lol.

Anyway, I am progressively getting a bit better. I pulled out my old books of tablature (sp?) that my former teacher wrote out. I struggle with it--it has NEVER came naturally to me. I prefer finger-picking over any other style. Over the years, I've taught myself to play some of my favorite songs & just played them over & over. A lot of the songs my teacher was into--it was the late 80's--are obsolete to many people. He enjoyed heavy metal & I wanted to learn oldies! lol. I've got an eclectic collection of tabs--so if I ever got the nerve to play in front of someone--they wouldn't know the song. lol. In all my 38 years--I've only played in front of my kids or my roommate in college. Once I played for my mom when I was around 19, but never again since then. I'm just so shy about it because I KNOW I suck! lol. Oh wait--I was at a party when I was around 20, all my guy friends were musicians--I played a couple licks & then imitated them immediately. I was blown away--how do people DO that??? So I put it down quickly & just enjoyed watching them play. Now they are all in bands & get PAID, make some indie cd's & work their P/R. Cool cool.

When I was about 10, my dad would take me with him to his banjo lessons. He was never that great at playing guitar--but he thought he was. lol. I did learn some of his licks & still play them from time to time. What irritated him about the banjo lessons was--I could pick up the guitar afterwards & play the lesson from what I watched. Dad was amazed & irritated at the same time.

My twelve-string--ohhhh, I forgot how BEAUTIFUL it sounds. The chords echo, the strings are smooth & easy to play. I got cold chills it was just that reverberating--like the sound came to life. So I have to get over this struggle & really start to force myself to learn new songs. I'm working on Greensleeves now---I love love love folk music. Give me Dylan, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Melanie, Mamas & Papas, Simon & Garfunkel, Peter, Paul & Mary---and I'm in a GREAT mood. The harmonies are just mind-blowing. It helps that my first real job was at a radio station that played 50's & 60's Solid Gold & I started snitching my parents albums when I was about 7. I've got them all now---Original Rolling Stones, Beatles, Steppenwolf---and I still love the crackly-crappy sound. It takes me back to my childhood--trying to drop little bits of water on the needle to reduce the crackly-sound. lol.

I guess that is something that bugs me about my kids. They love their music. Daughter has an iPod, son has an mp3 player. There's a radio or stereo in most rooms of our house. But they are not as OBSESSED with music as I am. I used to put my cd player speakers on my belly when I was pregnant, we always have music playing in the background in the kitchen. But they aren't as MOVED by certain songs as I am. I've taken them to live shows & they do LOVE it, but I don't see the SPARK that I had at that age. When I was from 7 to 10--I was in love with the Beatles, my parents bought me the White Album for my 10th birthday. My 14 yr old cousin asked me "Paul McCartney was in a band before WINGS?" I was mortified & totally stopped looking up to her. I couldn't FATHOM how she didn't know who the Beatles were.

I just went in to turn on the record player & daughter was cranky & unresponsive. I listened to No Sugar Tonight--the long version. Oh I love that song. Anyway, music moves me. It can put me in a great mood or even make me melancholy. It's so emotional. I love everything from Jerry Lee Lewis to Nickelback to Aerosmith (my favorite!!) to Willie Nelson to Nirvana to Nine Inch Nails. It's all good to me.

One of my elusive musicians I love--is a man from Texas. He's big there around Austin, D/F/W & Houston, but not a national well-known. His name is Shake Russell and the first song I heard of his--I broke down in TEARS. He's kind of country/ kind of rock--just a great, GREAT musician & lyricist.

I found him through a messenger friend I met in a chat room around 10 years ago. The chat room was Married But Flirting. lmfao! We totally hit it off & still talk to this day. He's known intimate things about my life that I've never told ANYONE. But he told me about how he loved going to live shows of Shake Russell and I had to download it from Napster. (back when Napster was COOL).

Ok, going to get in that shower NOW, times a wastin'! Gonna crank the stereo & get busy!

Damn laptop

Either my cord or my battery is FRIED, so I've been WITHOUT INTERNET. Omg, I started playing guitar again--I've been THAT out of sorts! It works intermittently--& then shuts off & won't turn back on for hours. And a new laptop cord is $95 bucks! Holy moly--that's damn near what we live off of in a WEEK. It's impossible to save money when you barely scrape by.

Anyway--I've been having LOTS of FUN with Roger & Sue. Threesomes & spankings & fuckings & OMG--the ORGASMS. I feel like a goddess in a threesome with both of them working me over finger-fucking me or spanking me or torturing my nipples. And I'm going over to their house tonight. WoooHOOOO.

Last weekend, we all got really drunk & Roger pushed me to my limit & I ended up a sobbing, snotting mess. It was cathartic and cleansing. Every emotion I've held back came bubbling up to the surface and spilled out in tears. Being fucked hard, spanked, used---it was INTENSE. He held me & petted me, whispered beautiful things while I shook in his arms. I can't even describe how healing it was.

He keeps telling me he loves me & that worries me. I'm new to this poly gig--I think it's awesome, but I'm afraid of loving this married couple. I want them to remain my friends--whether we are all fucking or not. I do love them both, I enjoy spending time & talking, hanging out--they are so intelligent & funny. I don't know--the "love' word is giving me some resignations.

Roger being my dom is altogether a great thing right now. I enjoy his power & the sex is amazing. He helps me feel 'not so lost' - if that makes any sense. I guess I'm still a bit connected to Jack--in my subby head. I don't want to sound desperate, but it is a good feeling 'being owned'.

Sue & Roger both are encouraging me to go to a swinger's club and trying to think of who I'd like to go out with--combing the online dating sites & their group of friends. I sooooo do not have the nerve to go to a swinger's club...but I think watching would be very hot. I've not been an open slut--only to relationships. It's all new territory, inviting & terrifying at the same time!

Their birthdays are coming up & they are planning an orgy with their group of friends. I've not met their friends, but have heard much about them. They are all friends of Jack too--so I'm sure it will eventually get back to him. Roger keeps telling me he's going to order me to fuck his friend while I blow him. Yikessss! I'm definitely going to need some shots of Crown to get that kind of courage.

In any case, I'm still alive & hoping this post comes through. I never know how long the laptop is going to work! I hate how obsessed with the pc I've become--it's my LIFELINE and I'm totally addicted. I've even been running to my mom's to catch up on my messenger friends. I'm pathetic, I realize that! Whatever--most of my friends LIVE on the internets.

Gotta get to the liquor store & pick up my bi-monthly bottle of YUMMMY. It's good that I'm a lightweight with booze now--because I can't afford to be an alcoholic--(like I used to be.) I used to drink a 5th each weekend--but now all I need is 4 or 5 shots & I'm grooooovyyyy. Groovy is cool ;) and much, much cheaper. When I can't afford Crown Royal, I've been buying Canadian Club--it's a bit harsher going down, but the effects are the same. I have to have a soda to sip when I'm drinking CC. With Crown--I just hit shots like a seasoned drinker. lol. It's just so tasty to me.

My insurance company has decided to fuck with me & not cover my pain patches. I've been off of them a week now & it HURTS to BE IN MY SKIN. I've not had withdrawals--but damn, I hurt hurt hurt. Even in the shower---the water hitting my shoulders--it's painful. Fibromyalgia SUCKS!!!! But the endorphins I'll be getting later today--will keep me floating for 2 or 3 days. I think there needs to be more research on how BDSM, subspace & endorphins can help chronic pain patients. Finding a doctor who would believe it would be a problem though. Oh well--one of these days.

Ok, off to get in the shower, I'll be back when my laptop allows it!