DAMMIT.

My laptop is still acting up & out of my realm of experience with fixing it. Grrr.

I'm going out with Roger & Sue Saturday--karaoke & girly bar & getting tipsy & staying over at their place--woohoo!!! I do love going to a strip bar--people watching & boobies & curves & YUMMMMM. And, of course, by all powers of the universe trying to dampen my fun--I started my cycle. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I don't want early menopause--I just want sex EVERY day without ick factor. And no chemicals or pig hormones--or whatever the hell they prescribe to not have a period. I'm all for nature doing it's thing--but dammit, it adds to a lot of laundry.

Having my tubes tied was LIBERATING. Sex without fear of getting knocked up--omg, it was exhilarating. I wouldn't encourage another woman to do it though, the long-term problems suck.

Another thing--the men I've dated over the last two years, they've all been previously married, with many women in their past...etc.. When I would say "I started" & pull away from them when they tried to put their hands down my pants--they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. What the hell? Do I have to spell it out EVERY TIME?

I just began saying "It's Blow Job Week." They all understood then & of course, loved it. Me? Whatever--get me off afterwards, because I give amazing blow jobs. Just simple courtesy, geez. Another point that always made me ponder--especially with living with someone--why am I expected to give a blow job every day of BJ Week--when the other 3 weeks, I'm begging for sex four times a week? (ok, probably more than 4, but dang...can't help it.)

I'm rambling, still fighting with my insurance company over covering meds & it's making me a bit off-kilter. Two weeks without a particular med makes me a BIT FUCKIN OUCHY.

Oh--and my 10 yr old son was just diagnosed as ADD. Welcome to my world son--I've been self-medicating for years. He'll get to go thru 2 shrinks & evaluations soon. I look at my 'perfect' kid & feel bad that I've passed on some of my worst traits/genes. I really, really don't want to medicate him--BUT--he's struggling with school and it's affecting his self-esteem to almost a depression. He's still 'just my baby' in my eyes. His whole ADD symptoms have been apparent since birth & especially when he started school, but I've just tucked them away in my head & said "That's just how he is, he has peculiarities."

The straw that finally broke me to take him to the dr was 2 weeks ago. He brought home 15 review problems in Math. He sat at the kitchen table while I tried EVERYTHING. Nudging his answers, giving him hints, yelling at him, promising him to have his friend over, BRIBING HIM WITH VIDEO GAMES--and he STILL struggled. I'm bawling because I yelled at him, he's bawling because I yelled at him. We were totally frustrated. 15 problems took him from 3 until 7:45. I called his teachers to ask for help--maybe they knew some tricks? Nope, they've tried it all too & they get the same results. This brilliant child--who has tested GENIUS and well ABOVE AVERAGE in ALL of his subjects---brought home 4 D's on his mid-terms.

I feel guilty that I didn't pursue it earlier. But in the last 3 and a half years--the stress level has been tremendous. Losing my dad instantly--who was EVERYTHING to my kids, my grandmother to Alzheimer's--a slow & painful death for all of us, especially watching such a proud, strong woman to lose her dignity & her mind, my uncle to a sudden cancer---and then all my back problems--struggling to WALK or get out of BED--and then a DIVORCE? Holy shit, it's no wonder I need depression meds.

Another pro-active thing I've done for my son--I signed him up for Boy Scouts. He was in for a while in 1st grade..but we just stopped going. Now I realize, he needs to be around MEN WHO AREN'T ASSHOLES. He needs "man-skills" and to know that there are men who DO care & don't treat people like his father treats him. I was a tom-boy when I was young, but there are just certain things that a mother cannot teach her son. I just feel this great pressure that I have to teach him how to be a GOOD man--but he does NOT have an example in his life. So..Boy Scouts it is. And they are going camping in two weeks & he CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

So, that's what's going on here. Daughter & I are having a power struggle. She somehow thinks she's the boss. Whatever--are you 18 yet? Gahhh, she's so much like me--it's like yelling at my 16 yr old self in a mirror! (Not in looks, but in ATTITUDE & indignant behavior.)

But--girly bar--Saturday & booze. Yay me!