Educate me, please...

I took my 16 year old daughter to Planned Parenthood today. She threatened to walk in the office & ask for a coat hanger. I lost it & spewed my energy drink down my shirt. Sick & twisted runs in our family--we can't help it. (She'd seen the coat hanger joke online somewhere & stored it in her brain for *this* exact moment. I love that sick kid of mine.)

We're surrounded by college girls in the waiting room. I felt out of place being the only mom there...but I hoped to score some cheap condoms too. (They always have a great assortment of colored ones--nothing like a blue condom to make you giggle during sex.) We went through all of the brochures & attempted to educate ourselves. Plus--there was a great tutorial on "How to Use A Condom"--we took three.

Daughter had to fill out a sex history form and I was totally stumped by a couple of the questions.

"Do you have problems remembering to wear your seatbelt?" I can only guess that's a sign that you're too dingy to be on a birth control pill & actually take it daily. (I was in that category..umm..once or thirteen times.)

The second stumper was "Check all the types of sex you have had.
__Vaginal __Oral __Anal __Other_______"

Other? Daughter leaned over & asked what "other" might be. I started humming the Veggie Tales theme song & we giggled like maniacs. The lyrics in my head were "If you'd like to fuck with tomatoes, If you'd like to insert potatoes, If a squash can make you smile...Have we got a zucchini for you!" (yeah, I'm not lyrically talented--whatever, this IS my brain & I'm seriously not on enough drugs.)

I really couldn't come up with an answer. Do you really want to write in "finger-banging" or "tit-fucking" there? Is that truly necessary to divulge? Do you think this includes dildos, vibrators & masturbation? I want to know what some people have opted to 'write in'. I'm curious as hell! I'd love to fill one out myself and write in "Once, at church camp..." (Who am I kidding--I've only been to Vacation Bible School?)

The other question was "Have you had inappropriate sex?"
Inappropriate HOW? Are we talking illegal & immoral? Ye GODS--I'm not sure I want to know what they would consider 'inappropriate.' Much of my sex life was inappropriate..and still is--but that's how I LIKE it.
My daughter tapped her pen beside this question and I shrugged my shoulders & whispered "Moooooooo" in her ear. She snorted her laugh so hard--she sounded just like a pig & I just said "EXACTLY--please don't fill that one out honey, I really don't want that recorded in your medical file for all eternity."

We were getting glares from the preppy college girls. I can only guess they were trying to concentrate on filling out their Plan B or syphillis form. Sluts. heehee.

Thank gods for Planned Parenthood though...they saved my ass for several years.

I'm so snitching all the blue condoms out of my daughter's loot bag & trading her with the clear ones. When are they going to start putting Ed Hardy tattoo images on condoms? Wouldn't that be bad ass???