Assignment & Confession

I've been given an assignment.
I'm still talking & teasing with Jack online.
He wants me to masturbate twice daily until I can find my 'squirt button'.
He wants me to ejaculate while I'm sitting on his lap. He wants to feel my warm juices explode and drip down his hard cock.

What he doesn't know is--I can do this pretty much within minutes by myself. I'm not able to squirt buckets like some girls can, however there is definitely a puddle. What holds me back is trust. I don't have this bond of trust with him that will allow me to give it. I have a mental block that stops me from sharing it with him--(part of it goes back to a former fuckbuddy who thought I peed on him. That was fun explaining in the midst of fucking. Former F.B. had the perfect bend in his cock that slammed against my g-spot--I do wonder what he's up to now. :D Once F.B. figured out it was a GREAT thing, he was into it. )

I have a confession to make. It's deceitful, misleading and I'm ashamed. I faked it. Yes--I faked orgasms with Jack more often than not. Even in the beginning when I was falling in love with him & we were experimenting & he was trying to train me to come on command. I feel really awful about it and I'll never tell him--but now, it's been so long & he knows my body (or thinks he does) and I can't turn back. I have orgasm guilt and it sucks.

In ten months of dating, fucking, living together for 6 months--I faked them all except for the first time we had sex. I was sitting in his lap (see a pattern here? I love sitting on a man's lap) in the backyard in a rickety lawn chair. He handed me the bullet vibe to hold on my clit while he fingered me. I came so hard that a moan escaped--loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Within seconds, there was a puddle on his jeans and he was hooked.

We did have lots of great sex--don't get me wrong. I felt pressured to perform. While fucking or using toys on me, he would ask 'was that three?' and I wouldn't disagree.

There were many times after he went to sleep, all I had to do was touch my clit & I would explode. I would roll over at the same time so he wouldn't feel my hips bucking or my knees shaking. But for some reason, I couldn't give him this part of me.

Other times, I would wake myself up at night with my hands in my panties, completely wet & turned on. I could get to my orgasm without him even waking up. Sometimes I'd go to the couch because I didn't want to get caught shaking the bed & my body was in the mood for multiples.

I'll be seeing him later this week or early next. I don't know if I can remove the mental block to actually ejaculate on him. I want to--but sometimes my brain is more in control of my orgasms & squirting than my physical manipulations are. I get close & then my brain shuts off that valve. For me, orgasms are just as much mental as physical.

Is it because I love him? Nah-it could cloud it a bit because I don't want to disappoint him. I have been in love & been able to ejaculate with others before him. I don't know, all I can say is--I feel pressured. And he doesn't like dirty talk during sex--that's one thing that gets me fired up, I can get so close without penetration or clit action. Just whispering nasty, naughty ideas in my ear & I will literally be on the edge of an explosion, muscles twitching & puddling. When I'd beg for him to talk dirty, he'd either shush me or get into breath play-(that's one way to shut me up lol). He always said talking during foreplay or sex distracted him, so I just dropped it.

And I hate myself for faking it. Sometimes I was really tired, sometimes I'd ask him to do this or that, sometimes I was bored from the same position too often, sometimes he was so close to getting off that I could squeeze my kegels and milk his orgasm from him. (I do love having that capability. It's my only super power. Ok, I take that back--blow jobs are another one of my super powers. lol)

I'm grabbing my generic hitachi & a towel. I need to get off NOW.