insecurities...

I'm completely insecure about my body (unless it's with a lover..and the lights are dimmed.) I'm thinner now than I was in Jr. High, I fluctuated from 150 to 180 since high school, marriage & babies. Even in elementary school--I was the chubby girl. Or my parents would say "I"m big-boned." I look at my childhood pictures and think "Jesus--look at that fat head. And that beer gut at 10 was not attractive."

Probably the sexiest I've felt about myself was when I was breast-feeding and the Boobie Fairy showed up. My regular "B and One Half" Cups spilleth over into "C" cups and hormones? Holy hell, I was insatiable. (ok, I'm still insatiable lol) At the time, the ex was OTR trucking--I had a 5 yr old & a newborn. I wore out my vibrator and bought this electric generic hitachi-like massager. Anytime a kid was sleeping, I was running upstairs to rock on an orgasm. I was lucky to get fucked once a week. That was about the same time I got a computer and learned how to cyber-sex. I had an internet affair with an older man. His day off was Fridays & we'd masturbate together all day. He mailed me a camera & then we added visuals to our self-loving. We're still talking about meeting up for weekend to fuck like teenagers. As soon as he can get away from his wife.

I'm intimidated by the other sexy bloggers who have luscious round curves. These ladies are smokin' hot and gorgeous. Some are thin, some are filled out, some are heavy--but you can tell in their photos--that they are comfortable in their skin.

And the men bloggers?--whoa. All I need to see is strong arms & I'm dreaming of being wrapped in them. Another favorite part on a man is where the hip bone leads way to a slight indention--oh, I've said this before-but I love to kiss that spot. Or run my fingers lightly along it when we're spooning & I'm behind him.

My body? Mehhh. Since the divorce diet (where you fear your kids won't have food to eat if you have a sandwich--so you just stop eating? Yeah-that diet.) I lost around 30lbs and went through such a deep depression, I didn't know if I was going to survive. But people kept telling me how great I looked. (Which only reinforced that before--when I was heavier--I must NOT have looked great.--cuz my brain is a jackass & tears away at my soul.) My younger sister was giving me clothes and being really shitty because she was always "the thin one."

I'm 128 lbs. Barely any boobs and I think I have a nice looking ass. Three men in my life have called me beautiful. I don't feel that I'm ugly, just average. Not quite pretty, but maybe 'cute.'

I don't have a tripod so I propped a tray table on a kitchen chair & then tried a tower of cds, books & magazines. My house is small & there's clutter--so finding a spot was a challenge in itself. It's fucking difficult to set it all up, hit the timer & then run around to pose. I did it about 12 times before I gave up. When I loaded the pics to the laptop--I almost cried. THIS is my body? I deleted the ones that offended me the most. My tits looked like someone has let the air out. My hair looked like straw. Stretchmarks on my tummy were glowing in the flash. The line from my sternum to my belly button is crooked because of my fucked-up spine.

It's a goddamned reality to take photos of your half-naked self.

So I've fiddled around, cropped & altered some photos & a few more in a dress Saturday. If I'm going to jump into the deep end of sex-blogging, then I'm going to try and emulate my idols. I'm exposing my mind, I might as well expose the vessel as well--but still be creatively anonymous. But I'm taking baby steps. This is my body, it's not going to get better. Accept and move on.