Crazy...

Are you humming Patsy Cline? No? You should be. Willie Nelson is an incredible songwriter, Patsy's version is still my favorite though.

I passed for crazy, but prolly failed the psych. exam. Whichever one helps my family--that's the one I want.

The day was destined for greatness. No coffee in the house. Four hours of sleep. My mom was supposed to come, my daughter was going to ride along just in case we'd go shopping afterwards. (because you know--EVERYTHING revolves around teenage girls). Mom bailed, kid bailed and they made me late leaving. I had 25 minutes to make a 40 minute trip. And, I haven't been in this section of town in nearly 7 yrs, so I was just guessing where the shrink's office was located.

It's Murphy's Law that when you are in need of speeding ferociously not ONLY will there be CONSTRUCTION but you will get behind:
a) Snail Elderly Person who is afraid of going over 45mph-they can barely see over the dash & are white-knuckling the steering wheel,
b) Testosterone Truck who will speed up & slow down only because he sees a person READY TO PASS,
c) Cranked-Out Mom swerving in her obscene Hummer--while she's talking on her cellphone & leaning to the backseat to swat at her kids,
d) various city & county vehicles including garbage truck, school or city bus, dump trucks
and you will hit every red light too.

Even with the odds against me, I passed at each safe opportunity. I floored passed Snails & Testes & Cranked-Out Mom, flying in my boat of a car. When I hit red lights, I'd quickly check my lane & turn right to make a detour. I zigged & zagged and cut across back roads. My poor car hasn't seen this speed in years-I think it liked it. (I didn't speed in Construction Zones, I'd rather be late than put someone else at risk.)

Whew! I had 6 minutes to spare...and I'm within a ten-block radius. Not too bad, except that I'm in a downtown area that is a mess of One-Way Streets. There is a lot of construction, missing road signs, but the traffic wasn't too bad. I finally figure out that I'm just 4 blocks south of where I need to be. I drove to the corner & notice...ummm..there is Four Lanes o' Traffic FACING me. Yeah--FACING ME.

I am going the Wrong way on a ONE-WAY STREET. Lo & behold, in that line of traffic facing me, what is there? A City Bus, A Hummer, A Police Car & a Dump Truck.

panic:what-to-do-what-to-do & repeat.

The policeman flips on his light & flies up to my window. I start saying I'm so sorry, so sorry. I didn't see the sign.
He pulls off his sunglasses & says "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
"No, I'm from The Little Town."
He shakes his head, waves me off & I start to turn & he screams "PAY ATTENTION"

I'm so shaken that I want to pull over, but I can't miss this appointment. I'm so grateful that the policeman was just disgusted with me & wanted me out of his face quickly. I'm glad only three people laid on their horns & cussed me out.

I nervously edge myself to the shrink's office, get inside, fill out the forms & wait until she calls me in.

She introduces herself, I went to shake her hand & she backs up, holding her hands up--oooookayyyy-that was awkward, we sit & she starts to interview me. Medical & mental histories clear back up the family tree. When this? Who that? How much?

And then she caught me off guard...

"Starting at 100 subtract 7"
93

"And again"

oh crap. I quickly try to get my mind in Math Mode
86. Whew. Dang, I've not used my brain cells in a while, seriously.
I take a deep cleansing breath. Glad that was over.

"Continue subtracting 7 until you get to zero."

That was the straw that did me in. Running late, no caffeine, a wrong turn on OneWay Street and now fucking Math? Really? MATH?

So that's when the tears started, she got quite excited asking questions faster, writing furiously, digging deeper into Why I'm Fucked Up and she would love to be my shrink but she's all full up of crazy.

Whatever. She doesn't have tissue. And those One Way Streets are a bitch.